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Inner Buddha | Living gratefully in the moment

Here's the deal: in case you couldn't tell from my recent posts, my brain has been seriously torqued by the experience of waiting for the results of a skin biopsy and the resulting diagnosis of melanoma in situ (thank god it's "in situ"). It's brought me to earth with a thump and really cemented some core truths that, in the busyness of everyday life, I often lose track of.

The thing is, I knew going into the appointment with a new dermatologist that what I had on my wrist was a melanoma. I'm a textbook example of someone who should be on the lookout for such things, and throughout my life, ever since I was a small child, doctors have paid particular attention to my skin, my moles, any changes they saw. I'd been raised with a lot of awareness of melanoma, and when I saw the changing flat mark on my skin, I just knew.

Three years earlier I'd even had a dermatologist look at the mark, and he flatly told me there was no reason to worry about it.  Wrong. I knew he was wrong, and I never went back to him. I kept my eye on it, and I'm glad I did.

But what I didn't do and what I should have done, as the mark continued to change, is to find another dermatologist immediately and get it checked.  Instead? Sometime within the last year I picked at it.  The mark scared me so much that I simply picked and picked at it until I'd more or less excised it myself.  Gross, eh?  I know. It scared me so much I wanted it gone. If thine right eye offend thee, pluck it out.  I plucked out that mark.

But then?  Through the pale scar that was left in its place, I began to see pigment again.  And I know that regular, healthy marks on one's skin do not grow back.  Malanoma does.

So finally, when an additional, different-looking mark on my other arm popped up suddenly as last semester came to an end (it has yet to be biopsied: it looks like either basal or squamous cell cancer), I swallowed my fear, researched a new dermatologist online, and made an appointment. I pointed to the two marks that made fear leap into my  mouth, and he nodded. I was right to be concerned.

I was both relieved and petrified. Relieved because this was a doctor who was taking me and my concerns seriously. Petrified because I'd let a lot of time go by without addressing the first mark.  Too much time? Long enough, I feared, for the mark I was scared of most to have spread.  Melanoma in situ is 100% curable. Once it's spread?  The odds really suck. A lot.  My aunt died of melanoma, and it was a slow, painful death. Quite possibly I had fucked myself over.

Even now, with the diagnosis in, I'm concerned. Perhaps my picking at the original mark will have compromised the accuracy of the biopsy, the extent to which it was able to guage depth.  That's a conversation I'll have to have with the doctor this coming Thursday when I have surgery to remove it, and he may or may not decide that it'd be a good idea to do further testing.  

The moral of this part of the story is, if you see a problem, address it sooner rather than later.

The second part of the story has to do with my take-away from this experience so far, which has felt profound.  As fear gripped my heart after the biopsy and the waiting began, I had to talk myself through the importance of taking things moment by moment.  All the worry in the world was not going to change the outcome, positively or negatively; it would only rob me of the present, which is the only thing I could be certain of having. Regrets about past choices (to pick at my skin, to avoid finding another dermatologist sooner) would alter nothing.  Fear about an unknown future would not improve whatever it turned out to be.  All I had was now.

As someone who has lived much of her life retrospectively as well as in anticipation of things to come, this realization -- a commonplace one, I realize -- was a real zen challenge for me.  Time and again throughout the past week and a half as I went through a litany of would-have-could-have-should have thoughts or started to shiver at what-might-bes,  I would gently but firmly bring my thoughts back to the present, to the now.  This is what you have now. Be grateful for the now.

And so that's one of my take-aways from this past week and a half. Of course I'm grateful for what turns out to be, at least for now, melanoma that has not spread. I mean, I'd rather it not be melanoma at all, but aside from that, this is a best-case scenario.  We'll see what happens with the second mark; again, it looks like one of the less harmful kind of skin cancers that aren't great but that don't strike terror into one's heart.

But I was also practicing gratitude in the event that a less optimistic diagnosis came back because, frankly, given the amount of time that had gone by since my first noticing the mark and now, I not only suspected melanoma, I figured it would have spread.  And I thought, "Okay, how can I connect with a sense of gratitude if that's the case?"

So I began keeping a mental list: I was grateful for the online resources and support groups for melanoma I was able to discover and bookmark for future reference. I was grateful for my own research skills. I was grateful for the personality traits that I have that mean that, once I've decided to seek out information and empower myself, I can and do. I was grateful for the time during which I felt well. I was grateful for now.

Which is why, after some thought, I ordered myself a Cynthia H. bracelet yesterday with the message LIVE IN THE MOMENT inscribed on it.  I've worn one for several years now that's old and weathered that says MAKE A DIFFERENCE, and I do feel as if I've internalized that message and managed to work it into my daily life (though of course I can always do better).  But now it's time to take on another challenge, one that may be more difficult for me, prone as I am to regret and worry.

My desire to practice this challenge has underscored my decision to return to Weight Watchers, to make the most of what options and choices I have power over now, and to maximize the health I do have as best I can (given my essentially slothful nature, that is!). I had a very effective form of weight loss surgery six years ago, and it's time to take better care of that gift.  It's time to lose the excess weight that I've let creep on in the past couple of years.

It's been a mind-bending past week and a half, but I'm determined to see the good in it.  One benefit? My return to Weight Watchers last week resulted in a 4.6 pound loss this week.  Water weight and all that, but I'll take it as a good sign.   

The past is gone. The future isn't guaranteed.  Live gratefully in the moment.

Inner Buddha | When people annoy you

I'm facing a small challenge to being my better self these days, and it's taking the form of a few people who are consistly annoying me.  

Let me rephrase that.

They are not annoying me; I'm finding them annoying. There's a difference. They're just being their regular selves, and they're not doing anything wrong (they really aren't). Nevertheless, my immediate response to almost anything they say or do is annoyance.

I'm forced to conclude, then, that this is more about me than them. That is, the problem lies with me and some triggers that these folks inadvertently set off. Ironically but also predictably, the things I'm finding annoying in others may be things that I have seen in myself from time to time and disliked.

Self-involvement, self-preoccupation, a tendency to dramatize, to overanalyze, to presume that one is the center of the universe. An assumption of expertise and diversity that simply do not exist. The presumption that one is special, "more than" others. A lack of awareness of how privileged one is. A presumption of closeness (to me) that I, in fact, do not feel. 

Yeah, I myself exhibit those characteristics from time to time.  And, for whatever reason, they're bugging the crap out of me in others right now. Given that I have exhibited hese characteristics, you'd think my response might be one of recognition and empathy. In fact, in the past, this is been how I've responded.

But I think because I'm currently feeling pretty stressed out, waiting for the results of a biopsy, I don't have the emotional bandwidth to respond from that place of compassion.  Instead, I want to be nasty, lash out, pop the bubble of self-delusion and presumption.I want to make folks feel as unhappy as I feel right now.

Do I really?

Well, it's probably a little more complex than that. I feel isolated and alone right now (no one can do my waiting for me), and so I probably want to feel less alone by creating an atmosphere in which I am not the only one experiencing angst and fear. 

Of course, that is the height of arrogance and self-centeredness on my part right there: as if I'm the only one in the universe undergoing anxiety! Puh-leeze.  

Let's just say that adversity does not necessarily bring out the positive in people. If I'm finding others annoying right now, that's nothing compared to how annoying I'm finding myself.

I'd have a drink, but a) it's morning; and b) I don't want to spend the Weight Watchers points on one. ;)

Inner Buddha | Dwell in possibilities

Time for a new attitude, or at least an attempt at one.

If I'm going to dwell in possibilities, why not choose positives instead of negatives? Now, I know myself, and I'm not able to maintain that perspective as often as I would like, but it's one that I'll strive for today. Time to view the positives in my life -- and there are many -- as gifts ... and to appreciate each one.  In general I've tried to cultivate gratitude in my life, but in the fear of the past week, I've lost track of it. 

Recalibrating.

Today I'm lucky enough to spend a large chunk of my time reading and taking notes on one of the relatively few academic works out there on Phantom of the Opera.  Note to self: read articles and books in the order that they were published! So often they engage in dialogue with each other, which means that I enter a debate midway through and have to retrace its origins. Today's book was published before the one I finished reading yesterday, which mentioned it; I have both, and I should have started with this one.  Whatever. Moving on.

And, if all goes well, my digital highlighter should arrive today from Amazon. I'm looking forward to trying that out.

In addition to the research, I have work-related errands to run, a letter of recommendation to write, and probably assorted admin tasks that will tricle in through my work email and require my attention, despite the fact that I'm officially off and downplaying my availability.

I'm lucky to have a career and work I enjoy.  Time to get to them!

Inner Buddha | New Year's Resolutions 2012

You either make them or you don't.  I make them. I'm a goal-oriented person, and resolutions help me focus.  

In the past I've made long lists of resolutions (2010) and shorter lists (2011).  Mostly I've managed to achieve some of what's on the list. Other things fall off the list or roll over to subsequent years.

So what's on the menu for 2012?

I want to work on greater self-care.  On all fronts.  We're talking physical health, emotional health, and a sense of balance and proportion.

The fact of the matter is, if the biopsy comes back indicating melanoma, I'm going to be flung into a whole pipeline of tests, procedures, and treatments. Sorting through all of that will be a challenge -- not the least of which because I'll be having my own emotional reactions to those experiences. I've often said it takes at least two people to have a serious illness:  one to be sick, the other to sort through all the information and logistics of that illness.  I'll have to be willing to ask for help, to care for myself enough to let others care for me. That will be hard. And I'll have to take responsibility for choices I make about my own health care going forward. That will be scary. Dealing with a cancer diagnosis and trying to improve one's baseline health at the same time? Hard, scary -- and necessary.

Resolution #1: Be proactive about health care.

• Schedule regular screenings (full phyiscal, full panoply of lab work, GYN, mammogram, scans). As I say, that whole machine will kick into gear if the biopsy comes back positive -- and if it doesn't, I'm scheduling them for myself. Ask questions, get informed, know where you stand. What you don't know can kill you.  What you do know can kill you, too, of course, which is why folks avoid doctors!

Resolution #2: Modify diet.

• Back to basics: a protein shake a day. Fewer refined carbs. More whole grains. Fewer calories. 

Resolution #3: Increase physical activity.

• I'm not even going to call it exercise because I flee in the opposite direction of anything resembling activity when I do that. Let's just say that I could move more. Wear my pedometer regularly. Take a half-hour walk each day. Whatever.

Resolution #4: Manage work place stress more effectively.

• On the one hand, I've already taken steps to do this in resigning my admin position at the end of this academic year and winning a grant for next semester that gives me a course release to focus on my own research,   But I need to do more:  I need to create firmer boundaries between what I do and don't need to stress over in relation to work. I need to leave the bullshit stress on campus and let home be more of a haven for myself, my family, and the writing I care about. This will be all the more important if I'm dealing with a cancer diagnosis. Um, priorities?!

Resolution #5: Live in the present (not the past or the future).  

• The past is dead and gone. The future has yet to happen. The present is all any of us has, regardless of who we are or our respective circumstances.

Okay, I think five resolutions -- particularly these resolutions -- are enough. They're behavior-oriented, measurable, and achieveable regardless of external factors over which I have no control.

Which doesn't make them easy.  Ahem.  But they're worth working toward. 

Inner Buddha | From the blog Melanoma Moments

December 30, 2007 at 12:03 am · Filed under Life

Saw this on a listserv and wanted to put it down here so I don’t forget it:

Questions to Ask Yourself, Regularly

What am I resisting?
What is the lesson here?
Have I been here before?
Am I losing energy to this?
Am I holding on to something I need to let go of?
Am I in the present?
What do I need to do now?
Who`s in control here?
What is my responsibility here?
Am I at peace with this?

 

via melanomamoments.wordpress.com

Inner Buddha | I wake up stressed

I noticed this yesterday -- on a Sunday, no less, when I had nothing but pleasant social events planned, not on a campus work day. Further, I tend to wake up not only stressed but with a sick, nervous stomach. How messed up is that?

Full, deep relaxation is a challenge for me these days, given the situation with FC1 at work, the new leadership position, the general sense of economic crisis that permeates the university sysem. It's no wonder I'm stressed, but I have got to find ways to alleviate the symptoms of tension I feel.

That's what the search for a yoga studio and climbing back on to my home elliptical machine are about, of course. It's what my upcoming appointment this week for some traditional Chinese therapeutic treatments is about. It's what my chanting is about.  It's what my renewed reminders to myself to take full, deep, breaths and release them slowly is about.

If I get desperate enough, I may even reduce my coffee intake <shudder>.  Coffee brings me great pleasure, so I'm extremely reluctant to do that -- but we'll see. 

Inner Buddha | Own your own shit

Prepping for the coming week today. FC1 was told on Friday that there's now a university investigation into events involving her in the past several weeks. Fearful of possible backlash based on past experience, a friend and colleague is not reporting to work next week. Police will need to be alerted, and I'm packing a taser for self-protection. That kind of gives you a feel for the atmosphere we're in right now.

I think this is one of the reasons I'm having a major allergic reaction to folks who get dramatic these days, personally or professionally -- it's turning me right straight off. Nothing causes me to slam the door shut faster at this point in my life than someone who's in the throes of REACTING and playing out that reaction to and among others. I have to deal with it a lot, even when we're not talking about potential violence or hostility in the workplace, and so I think I'm really struck by how much it actually occurs on a daily basis: folks visiting their own dramas on others. Now, dealing with and processing one's emotions and reactions in a healthy way is a good thing, but making them be other people's problems? NOT a good thing and a sign of dysfunction. One doesn't have to perpetuate it by buying in and enabling it, however, and that's the zen lesson for *me*! Practicing detached empathy a lot right now. 

I actually had a good talk with an old friend this afternoon about this very subject; we recalled a 20-year old incident from my grad student days when a fellow student was projecting issues madly onto me, being very needy at the same time, and who kept seeking some kind of *reaction* from me, as if to validate her own reality. The last straw for me was when she pleaded, dramatically, "Don't shut me out" -- which is, of course, exactly what I did, terminating that relationship immediately. 

Probably because of the leadership role I'm in now, I'm really aware of the *potential* for this kind of dynamic ... partly because everyone, including me, does have his or her own issues, and people often do want (both reasonable and unreasonable) things from me now. I'm really finding myself needing to stay very centered as I move through these real or imagined dramas.

Own your own shit, people: if you feel hurt or belittled, first look to your own insecurities and vulnerabilities before you decide someone's out to get you or has dissed you or your opinions and you turn it into a Dramatic Exchange.

Inner Buddha | Achieve it now

One of the aspects I like about Nichiren Buddhism is its belief that one can achieve Buddhood now, in the present, in the daily practice and devotion of Buddhism.  

I was reminded of that today when I met with my friend and Buddhist mentor T, who's 20 years younger than I and strugging with her own issues. We met for breakfast, chanted for an hour, and went to a lecture at the SGI comunity center.

Wisdom, courage, and compassion. May I work from those places in myself this week.

Inner Buddha | Self-care

It's going to be a busy week, culminating in my departure for Venice on Thursday for the film festival, and self-care is the name of the game if I'm to move through the week with a modicum of sanity.

Today's forms of self-care?  

• Got up early to give myself plenty of time to read and address the morning batch of email. 
• Will now show and dress (in a new outfit I bought for Venice -- consider this its dry run!) in order to head to campus before some early-morning meetings so that I can get some tasks done in relative quiet before the halls fill up.
• Will spend a few minutes mediating in my office.
• And I've packed a Nutrisystem meal to nuke in my office for lunch today.

Wish me luck and peace today!

Inner Buddha | To Achieve Your Dreams, Lower Your Expectations

Your whole life isn't ruined by having to try, or trying to find success in a way you didn't expect.

via jezebel.com

Inner Buddha | Alternative medicine

I've been having some issues with my left shoulder/neck and upper back, due mostly to stress from repetitive motion generated by too much time at the computer, but also to an old rotator cuff injury and to emotional stress (I'm a Type A personality and always have been).  Triple threat. 

After getting a western medical massage a little over a week ago because I was in real agony, and after beginning a basic walking routine (10K steps a day more days than not each week), I decided it was also time to investigate some alternative medicine.  The massage helped, as has the walking -- I'm no longer in excrutiating pain -- but I still hurt.

I wasn't sure how to go about finding someone I'd feel comfortable with, but my sister reminded me that she has a friend and former colleague M who left academia 20 years ago to study traditional Chinese medicine, who now lives and practices that form of medicine about 30 minutes away from me, and ...

That was enough for me. Well, after some Googling.

I've done western physical therapy, western massage, icy-hot treatments, electric pulse treatments, and cortisone shots. Why not try some alternative therapies?  I doubted seriously that they would be less effective (actually, massage has worked pretty well, at least in the moment ...).

And so today I did.  I met with M at her office where she introduced me to her business partner and to two assistants. Her intake interview was easily an hour, asking what I viewed as both standard western medical kinds of questions (existing health conditions, meds, history) and those that were more alternative (um, well, it's the first time I've answered questions about the characteristics of my menstrual blood, but okay ...). 

The interview was followed by about an hour and ten minutes of treatment. Today it was tuina (Chinese bodywork, or what I would consider massage, performed while clothed), and craniosacral therapy (involving head and spine alignment, mostly ... probably like some chiropractic work, though I've never been to a chiropractor).

The trippy part for me was that the first treatment was performed by two male assistants, and the second treatment by them and M as well. I've never had more than one person working on me at a time, never men, and never three people. I have a history of childhood sexual abuse, which I disclosed, and I think that came into play while I was being positioned during the CST ... I didn't freak out but I felt very vulnerable; the next time I might ask that women work on me instead if it's going to involve positioning my legs in certain waus that could trigger me, for example.  

In retrospect, M should have anticipated that this might be a concern for me, as she knew what the CST would involve while I did not, exactjy. In fact, I think she probably would have anticipated it had we not already breached a professional boundary a little by the fact that she and my sister are friends; we were both negotiating our relationship slightly differently than we might have, had we never met.

In general, however, I found the experience a mostly positive one. I really  liked the fact that, after it was over, M and I discussed my first impressions and what I had and hadn't been comfortable with (I'm still processing that, actually). I felt much looser, experienced less pain, and definitely had more mobility and energy after the treatments were finished (I really liked that part).

Though it's not cheap, I decided to schedule one more session for July 6. If my insurance doesn't cover it, I can get a letter of medical necessity from my doctor that will at least allow me to reimburse myself from a pre-tax savings plan I have specifically for medical expenses.

I spent so much of my life tuning out my body that it feels a little weird to be tuning into it now. Truthfully, I feel ambivalent about that, but I'm willing to contemplate the prospect of it, at least.

New experiences ...

Inner Buddha | It's yoga time

Enough!  

I was on campus for less than a day yesterday, dealing with the start of summer school, and this morning I woke up to find my upper back, shoulders, and neck in knots.  Already, after less than a day! Where did the benefits of the past week of relaxation go, if I can so easily and suddenly seize up again after a return to my work place?

Clearly I need to develop a coping strategy for stress that I can carry forward. Vacations don't last forever, and expensive massages are nice but financially out of the question for me on a regular basis. Exercise would be good -- oh yeah, note to self: remember to do that -- but what  I think what will do me at least as much good for starters is some simple yoga poses.

Like, this morning. Right now.

I've thought about signing up for more classes at the yoga center that I went to a couple of years ago -- but really, it makes more sense first to try the simple yoga practice I learned there at home. If it helps, if I get regular with that, then I can take more classes.

I have a history of dissociaton so that whole mind/body connection is something that still comes slowly for me.  If you have a history of childhood sexual abuse, as I do, that's not unusual. But while that disconnect served me well back in the day, it certainly no longer does now.  

It's time to connect with the bodily symptoms of stress, stretch them out, and let them go (I say, wincing as I turn my head and feel that neck muscle wingeing).

Ow.

So off I go now to do exactly that.

Inner Buddha | Gratitude

As I head into the final two weeks of the semester and look ahead to my last week of classes and meetings (one can always hope it's the last of the meetings, anyway), I'm standing back and taking stock of my life.

I like to take stock every now and then in order to stay mindful of all that there is to be grateful for. I've discovered that gratitude really is a key to staying centered, grounded in the moment, letting go of past hurts, and finding one's own power.  Live from a place of gratitude and any relatively minor annoyances are put into perspective.  Major problem, too, I hear, although I don't think I've evolved that far, and that will take more practice on my part.

So I'll start with the obvious things -- the externals -- which, despite their obviousness, do not diminish my gratitude for them. Above everything else, I am grateful to have discovered effective medical interventions for major clinical depression, with which I've been plagued since I was a small child. When left untreated, it ultimately causes me to lapse into a suicidal state and to be unable to work or make any progress in my life that I suddenly cease to value  I owe my life to pharmaceuticals and to the patient and loving support of a former therapist who is so important in my life that it was he who walked me down the aisle to get married.

In an era of terrible recession, I'm grateful a) to have a job; b) to have a meaningful job in which I can make a difference, however small, in some people's lives; c) to have had a second chance to return to an academic career on which I'd turned my back for several years; d) for the increased job security which tenure and promotion will bring me, even in these uncertain times; e) for the benefits of health care and a retirement plan, without which I've lived for most of my life.

These things are huge to me.  Huge. Having been underemployed or unemployed for a good 10 years of my life when I lived alone in Los Angeles with zero forms of parental or other familial support, and to have experienced existential despair and depression as I worked through an extremely abusive childhood during those years ... well, it was the closest thing I can imagine to living hell.

I am grateful for the duodenal switch weight loss surgery five and half years ago that has brought me increased health when I was dying by inches of out-of-control Type II diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol. It's still the hardest form of WLS to obtain and often the least well-covered by insurance plans. I had to fight my insurance company tooth and nail to get it covered -- but at least I had insurance. I had to fight my husband in the process as well, which made it the most difficult year of our marriage, though later he became supportive.  It was not a pretty year, and recovery from and adjustment to life after the surgery was harder than I realized at the time -- made more difficult by my teaching at three different universities and the long application process  for the tenure-track job I now have.  How did I do all that? Today that year boggles my mind when I look back on it.

Lucky? Yes.  I did have help along the way.  Friends. My husband, whom I met only after the major darkness of my life had passed.  Even our beloved kitties.

But all of this brings me to a second set of things for which I'm grateful, or what I think of as the intangibles -- and here's where I'm beginning to realize how very fortunate I am. Or, to use a more spiritual term (which stops just short of religion), how much I owe to the grace of something beyond myself for gifts that I carry within me and for which I can claim no credit.

Yes, I was born at 4 lbs. 11 oz. as the product of marital rape, to an older, medically malnourished mother with a broken hip and a father who did not want and were not prepared for a fourth child.  Yes, I was born into an alcoholic home ruled by a sociopathic, sadistic father against whom my weak mother was no match.  

No, none of that seems very lucky.  But ... I realize that both the circumstances of my birth and upbringing as well as the makeup of my character have given me a strength and a determination to survive the really dark times and to thrive in better ones. To create better times.  I may be a slow bloomer in many aspects of my life (fodder for another post, perhaps), but I. Don't. Give. Up.  In my life I've been diagnosed with all manner of fancy psychiatric disorders, and I've never used them as excuses for why I can't do something.  Once effectively treated, I'm on an equal playing field. Excuses aren't necessary and only get in my own way.

And I was born smart.  Like, really pretty smart.  And grace gifted me with a heart that remained compassionate despite hardships, and the combination of a good brain and a compassionate heart allows me to intervene in the world in ways I might not otherwise be able to do.  In fact, it's a combination that insists upon it, that carries with it a moral and ethical imperative to do so.

It's critical to lead a mindful and a grateful life so as not to get mired in one's own stuff -- because, man, I still have several sets of baggage that I carry with me wherever I go.  But this isn't about that. We all have something. Into each life a little rain (or a lot) must fall.  But if one can connect with gratitude for what one is and does have (and we all have something), the riches of one's inner life truly increase. 

Gratitude is less a feeling than a practice, in my view, and the more that you practice it, the better you become at it and the more you have to be grateful for.

And that's something I've been lucky to discover right there.

Another post on mindfulness

As I think about the tension in my life between the desire to control and the desire for balance, I realize anew -- again, always -- that we have control over only so many things and no more. What is that perfect balance? What's important for us to hang on to, and what's important for us to let go of? The answer will vary for each of us. 

I do feel as if I'm slowly changing how I view and live in my daily work. I think because I spent so many key years in my late 20s-early 30s depressed and unable to function well, work is essential to my self-concept and well-being: I'm so grateful to be able to work and, at this point in my life, to work at a career and a calling that use my skills, my degree, and that nourish my creativity and my intellectual abilities. I'm a great believer in the zen koan of "Chop wood, carry water" -- one finds oneself in the daily challenges and tasks and refines one's capabilities and potential along the path.

At the same time, however, any work -- any endeavor? -- has its petty challenges and annoyances that can overwhelm when life is lived out of balance. By spring break, I realized I was tired of living my work life in that way, and it's only in restoring that balance -- to it, to my eating, to other facets of my life -- that I can fully and mindfully live to my highest potential and purpose. 

So I'm emphasizing mindfulness once again, staying aware, and as importantly, using that awareness to make different kinds of choices for my life. Awareness is important but without action it does not lead to change. In my case, action often means choosing to do less rather than more, and letting the less be of higher quality. 

All of this applies to food choices as well, I'm realizing. Not easy, as I've had a few days of rebelling, but also worth it: my periods of success far outnumber the slips. 

Emotional IQ

A friend blogged recently about the concept of emotional intelligence and linked to a quick quiz that assesses that quotient. The quiz itself is pretty reductive in that you can pretty much guess the results as you answer the questions, but it yields an interesting narrative nonetheless. I was intrigued. 15 years ago I know would have scored very low, according to the parameters laid out by the quiz. Now?  Thanks to meds, 12 years of cognitive therapy, and second chances, I scored higher than I thought I would. (At least, according to the narrative account below the score.  But, like, isn't a 66 a D+?  lol)  Maybe this period of my life is the payoff for 35 years of suicidality and horror. (I don't really believe that; my suffiering was acute but infintesimal compared to that of others in the world, and I do not believe that there is a logical system of ustice or reward at cosmic work.) Maybe I'm just very, very lucky. Or perhaps (as I increasingly tend to believe) I've both worked my way toward and been given some form of spiritual grace. I remember talking with my therapist in my late 20s about my experience of severe psychic torture and despair. At that time, he told me that, if I had to endure such experiences, at least they were being processed in my 20s rather than when I was older: as difficult as they were then, such despair delayed would only be tripled as I aged. I didn't appreciate his wisdom at the time -- but he was right.  At least I went through those dark nights of the soul when I had a fair amount of my life ahead of me in which to forge a new existence and to rebuild a shattered psyche.   And, god willing, if I experience something similar in the future, for the same or different reasons, at least I will have survived the first and know I have the strength within me and the gift of grace to navigate my way through those waters again. Overall results  66 Your Emotional IQ is good - higher than average in fact. This means that, in general, you are able to express your feelings clearly in appropriate situations. You are optimistic and positive, and adapt well to altering circumstances. You are comfortable with yourself, and you know and appreciate your talents and strong points as well as your weaknesses. You are able to motivate yourself, and find the energy and the strength necessary to complete what you need to do to reach your goals. You are one of the resilient people who bounce back after major drawbacks, survive hardship without bitterness, and still manage to empathize with others. These skills will certainly bring you long-term benefits such as stronger relationships, better health and personal happiness.

 

Mindfulness

I head back into the university fray today with a faculty meeting at noon, though I'm resolved to make my visit to campus today a surgical strike. 

My goal for the remainder of the school year is to see the semester through to completion with as much detachment from the angst and politics as possible, though I know that will be a challenge, as decisions come down from the administration re: budget, mergers, etc. 

Challenge or not, I can always choose to respond from a considered place of detachment rather than react publicly in the moment. When the latter occurs, I always feel as if I'm being buffeted by the whims, wishes, and sometimes dysfunctional behavior of others. When I allow myself to process my own feelings and *then* respond, I feel much more grounded and okay with *whatever* outcomes there are. 

Obviously I'm sorting through work stuff but this all applies to my relationship to food as well. For the past several weeks I've been working hard on staying aware of choices, making healthier choices, and all of that has meant processing my feelings more as well, since I am an emotional eater from way back. Hard work but well worth it because each time I'm successful, I feel stronger, more myself, more the self I want to be and am, and more grounded in that. 

And on that note? It's time to revise a lecture for tomorrow.

Update:  Today's faculty meeting has been cancelled.  Thankyoubabyjesus.

Random, unrelated updates

• Yes, I'm still tracking my food, still losing weight slowly, and still staying mindful of my choices. However, I note that, over this past week of spring break, my choices have become, er, "carbier."  Which is to say, more carb-laden.  Terrible for an active diabetic, which I used to be, and not a good idea for a diabetic in remission, if you ask me, which is what I am now. Not to mention, it slows weight loss:

Calories: 1951 Carbs: 233 Fat: 55 Protein: 103

There's no official RDA for carbs, but the average American eats 300 grams of carbs a day. The average American is obese, and 300 grams is about twice as many grams as they should eat, according to most figures.  My carbs are too high today. Damn scone. Fruit has a lot of carbs, too. Beats a scone, but not by much, in diabetic terms.

• Yes, I still practice a form of SGI Nichiren Buddhism, albeit in my own way that eschews the group think of SGI.  They would prefer that I join them for collective chanting and activity.  I'm a loner, and I also still consider myself a Catholic (don't try to work this out -- it's not logical), so I'm following my own path.  It works for me.

• Yes, I'm still working on playing the ukulele. However, my husband, who's retired, works at it (and at the guitar) for up to six hours a day.  Guess who's more dedicated and proficient? ;) I'm proud of him.

• No, I have not done much work over spring break. And you know what I have to say to that? Good for me.  The thing about my job?  There's always more work. I could work 24/7 and never Do Enough or Be Enough.  So ... ENOUGH.  I took the "break" part of "spring break" seriously this year.

Brief weekend getaway

On Friday morning I flew to eastern Washington state to visit my oldest sister and her husband for the weekend, and that's where I am now.  A week-long spring break officially starts on Monday, and I got a head start on things.

The change of scene has been good for me, and two to three days is just about the ideal length. My sister and I enjoy each other's company and don't get on each other's nerves for that period. Anything longer? Old stuff comes up and we regress. I think I've timed things perfectly.  I fly home tomorrow morning.

We spent yesterday hanging out, doing our respective work (we're both academics). I got some grading done and may do a little more today, and my sister did much the same.  I ran a couple of errands in the small university town in which she lives and that was about it.

Unfortunately, I had forgotten to pack my protein bars, but yesterday I located a store where I could buy some replacements as well as enough shakes to see me through my time here, and so I've kept food consumption down to a dull roar compared to what it could be (my sister is an excellent cook and always has wonderful food around the house).  Still, roar is the operative word, as yesterday's counts indicate:

Calories: 2228 Fat: 84 Carbs 168 Protein: 196

Ouch.

Somehow I'm not expecting a loss this week; in fact, I'm kind of readying myself for a gain. But whatever.  I am eating mindfully, not reactively: I'm choosing the foods I eat, thinking about them, enjoying them, not eating when I'm distracted by other things, and so forth.  All of this is good. If my calorie and carb counts are high, at least my protein count is high as well.  I'm choosing to stay focused on the positives.

Do your best, then let go of the outcome

Blahblahblah today's faculty meeting blahblahblah.

It was unpleasant in the extreme, which is nothing new. I don't know what the outcome will be, and that's nothing new, either. Probably nothing I'll like. I spoke the truth as I saw it, I expressed my opinion, and to the degree that I registered on anyone's radar screen, I pissed off some people and probably didn't step up to do what either the chair or the dean might have wanted me -- or anyone in the department -- to do.

Sorry, guys.  At this point I'm out to protect the undergraduate program of which I'm a part, the colleagues who have earned my thanks and my respect, and my own time.  That's what I've got the bandwidth to care about and the ability to influence for the better.  I'm not there to solve institutional and structural problems that the powers that be don't have the intestinal fortitude to address.

People higher up in the food chain than I need get their shit together (no, I'm not holding my breath), and I'm not casting myself on the sword of duty in the meantime. And honestly, at this point, it would only inflame matters more, if that's even possible.

Fun times.

I considered eloping with a bag of chips tonight to relieve stress, but really? Sticking to my food plan and staying in control on that front feels better to me right now. Here's today's food intake:

Calories: 2045  Fat: 99  Carbs: 83  Protein: 154

Sunday's food

Calories: 1543  Fat: 60  Carbs: 124  Protein: 86

Hmph.  The carbs should be closeer to 100, and I barely reached the low end of the minimum daily requirement for protein yesterday. 

On the other hand, reviewing the past week's food records, I've done well overall with both counts. After daily fluctuations and bouncing back up a little from what I assume was an initial loss of water weight, I'm officially down 5.6 pounds today from last Monday (my official weigh-in day at home on a loathsomely accurate scale).  

That's pretty damn good.

Again, that rate of loss won't continue to be as great as I move downward, I realize: it's really just an illustration of how differently I was eating before I moved back making conscious, healthier choices. 

Good to have the self-care firmly in the front of my brain as I start a new week at Dysfunction U.  Full faculty meeting with chair and dean this afternoon over issues around which a few senior colleagues' egos revolve.  Can't wait!  Not.

Are we having fun yet?/Friday's food

All I know is, I'm not.  Having fun, I mean.

It's all those nasty work issues I keep blogging about. Nothing particularly new -- just more of the same and I find it All. Extremely. Exhausting. I'm not even on the immediate front lines, but it doesn't matter. It's all I can do on some days (like today) to drag myself through them.

Today I was at a loss to how to reframe these issues to myself to feel better. I did some basic admin tasks and then retreated to bed. Literally.  I curled up in bed in the middle of the afternoon and hibernated.  I even took a call from my colleague K while there.  That was the best I could do at the time. Low-grade depression.

Probably going off Abilify has exacerbated it, and I may consider upping Lexapro to 40 mg (which is above the maximum recommended dose; my prescribing doctor and I discussed this option at our appointment last week, and he said it's one that's being used by others as well).  

Or I may just see how it goes for another week.

At any rate, the huddling-in-bed-during-daylight-hours is a classic symptom of depression for me.  When I have to be somewhere (e.g., on campus, teaching class, in a meeting, whatever), I can be.  When my time is unstructured, though?  It's a lot harder.

Despite it all, I've stayed focused on my DS food plan.  As of right now, here's where I'm at:

Calories: 1,767  Fat: 122  Carbs: 76  Protein: 137

Those numbers will go up a little, as I'm still planning some kind of a nighttime treat, but I'm well within my limits/at my goals for the day.

At least this aspect of my life is going well!

Thursday's food

A calorie, carb-laden day which has at least included lots of protein as well.

I planned for it (it included dinner at a friend's with homemade creamy vegetable soups and quiche as well as wine, which I don't usually drink), and since the rest of the week has been at or under my consumption goals, I feel okay with it.

Tomorrow will see a return to moderation. And perhaps I'll figure out how to fix tables such as the one below to display correctly, but if it takes a long time to do so, forget about it.  I'll bag the tables and just present a summary of the day's calorie, fat, carb, and protein counts if I can't figure it out.

Feels good to be in control of food choices and to be losing the Abilify weight.

Food Name	Amount	Unit	Cals	Fat (g)	Carbs (g)	Prot (g)	Delete
		Total	3,409	185.1	183.6	190.8
Pure Protein bar (chewy chocolate chip)		serving	300	8.0	4.0	32.0
L&L Hawaiian Barbecue: BBQ Mix Plate (rice, mac salad incl.)		servinggramskglboz	558	32.3	36.0	31.0
Oscar Meyer Black Forest Ham (6 slices)		servinggramskglboz	45	1.0	0.0	9.0
Pure Protein shake (vanilla cream)		serving	160	1.0	2.0	35.0
Starbucks venti latte		serving	340	18.0	27.0	18.0
Cheese, cottage		cupgramskglboz	137	4.0	4.1	20.4
Soup, cream of		cupgramskglboz	367	20.8	35.3	11.9
Alcoholic beverage, wine, table, white		fl ozserving 5 fl ozgramskglboz	183	0.0	5.7	0.2
Bailey's Irish Cream (1.3 oz)		servinggramskglboz	188	12.0	16.0	0.0
Cheese quiche, meatless		cupcubic inchindividual quichepiece (1/8 of 9" dia)quiche (10" dia)quiche (8" dia)quiche (9" dia)gramskglboz	1,131	88.0	53.5	33.3

 

Perspective

Perspective is a weird thing.  

Never more so than when you compare your own safe middle-class existence -- currently free of natural, political or other external disasters (Tea Party notwithstanding) -- to events like the recent surreal quake and tsunami disasters in Japan -- which, as of today, threaten to go nuclear. Literally.

I work in a department that seems to me to be almost fatally fissured by breaks and dysfunction. I describe these fissures and dysfunction to other academics at other universities (it wouldn't really do to describe them to other departments within my university because that would be a kind of airing dirty laundry in a public sphere that seems disloyal and inappropriate to me) -- and people are either uncomprehending (why do you put up with this?) or appalled (you're kidding!!!!!).  I mean, people are genuinely blown away.  They cannot wrap their brains around the behavior that's unfolding or how it's allowed to continue. It's impossible to explain it to them.  Signs of an insecure university, I tell them wearily. And insecure people.

But in the face of such reactions, I think to myself, Yeah, why do I tolerate it?  It's absolutely fucked, and I've never encountered or heard of similar levels of dysfuction outside this university.  I don't want to be part of it any longer.

And then I watch coverage of Japan's quake, tsunami, and now possible nuclear meltdown, and I think, These are real issues.  These are people who are dying and suffering on a mass scale. What the hell do department politics at some university matter in such a context?

The answer, of course, is, they don't matter.  On a macro level (to use one of my friend K's expressions), they don't matter one little bit.  But generally we live our lives on a micro level (another one of K's terms), and that's where maintaining perspective becomes difficult. How do you balance two different perspectives?  Or maybe the question is, how do you maintain them in meaningful relationship to each other?

I don't live in a country that's been ravaged by large-scale natural or political disasters -- right now.  I'm fortunate.  I feel fortunate.  I'm employed; I'm employed in a field for which I trained; I'm even likely to get tenure in that field. Beyond that, I have a good life with a decent man, our family of kitties, and good friends. I've recovered from a life-long battle with chronic major depression and anxiety, a history of Technicolor sexual abuse at the hands of my father, and at the moment, I have my health.

But in my day-to-day work existence, I feel sometimes as if I live in a war zone.  Kind of like the Cold War era, full of paranoia, suspicion, and double dealings.  It's exhausting.  It's unpleasant.  Sometimes all I want to do is yell "FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!"  at various spies and Machiavellian personalities who think they're so suave but who wear their insecurities and egos on their sleeves and who would never, ever be hired at better institutions.  Better institutions would never tolerate their behavior.

The leveling mechanism here is, of course, that I'm at this institution, too. And I keep that in mind and remind myself, as Teddy Roosevelt, said, that it's critical to do the best you can, with what you have, where you are. We can all make a difference somewhere.  As long as I'm here, I do not need to live down to the lowest common denominator of unprofessional behavior.  I can choose differently.  I do choose differently.  

Sometimes I choose to nap in the face of work challenges.  They bum me out so much that all I can do is literally curl up in a ball in my bed upstairs and retreat into sleep. That's kind of what happened for parts of today (although I also managed to get out and about and buy my husband's birthday present). I didn't do any of the work that's waiting for me (I'm behind because of jurying a film festival, mostly). Who wants to?  It's an icky environment.

But then I watched coverage of Japan and reminded myself of the macro picture and of Roosevelt's words, and I thought to myself, Yes, I can take these things into my day tomorrow and be productive. I can do the best that I can do, micro-level disturbances and bullshit notwithstanding.

And so that's my goal for Sunday. To do my best, to satisfy myself, and in that way create and lead a meaningful life.

Fresh starts

It's a new week, the dawn of a new semester, and I'm going to concentrate on the positives today:

• I lost 3.6 pounds last week, after an imperfect but mindful week of eating and tracking my food.
• I'm about to make another batch of healthy vegetable soup (with a small amount of meat in it for protein) to see me through this week.
• I've stocked my desk drawer at the office with protein-rich snack options for those times when I've forgotten to take an insulated bag of food to school with me and need to grab something quickly -- not a burger and fries, thank you, but nuts, protein bars, and so on.
• I have class materials for this week ready to photocopy for first meetings.
• Regardless of the dean's verdict today about the distribution of labor. teaching, and release time, I've committed to my own priorities, which are my students -- insofar as my assignment allows me to address their needs, and that assignment comes with time limits that I will honor for my own sake -- and my writing and research.
• I've made a recurring research/writing date throughout the semester with my colleague and friend K. We won't always get together for it, but we will be accountable to ourselves and each other on Friday mornings for focusing on our own work and stay in touch through email, IMs, Twitter ... whatever it takes.

These are the steps I'm taking to protect my own time, further my own goals (which, let's face it, are not the priorities of the institution for which I work), and live a life I find rewarding and non-crazy-making.

Another positive this week?  Wait for it -- it's coming -- yes, my 50th birthday. Mine, mine, mine.  Me, me, me! I've ordered two cakes: one for tomorrow morning's department meeting that's a shared birthday cake with other January birthday folks, and one for my husband and me on Thursday, my actual birthday.  

I'll be celebrating in low-key fashion throughout the week, with my husband taking me to dinner on the evening of my birthday and my friend and colleague K spoiling me rotten with a girls' night out on Friday night, complete with overnight stay in a lovely hotel downtown.  

So -- no matter what happens in today's meeting with the dean or in the coming few days of orderly or disorderly chaos, I'm going about my business, maintaining perspective, and not getting sucked into any internal dramas.

I'm turning 50. I get to be a grownup and live life according to my own internal compass.

 

Turning 50

Yup, that's me.  At the end of this month (January 27, to be precise), I'll turn 50.  And while I'm not looking forward to it quite as much as I was looking forward to turning 40 (my late 20s and my 30s were an extraordinarily painful period in my life), I am kind of anticipating it with pleasure.

Contrary to the avatar that's my current "photo" on this blog and who's clearly somewhere in her 20s (I resemble that wild-haired woman only in her horn-rimmed glasses and the color of her tresses), I look every inch my age, and possibly more.  Too many years spent being morbidly obese prior to weight-loss surgery five years ago, rapid weight loss, and a hard five years on the job in a junior faculty position mean that I look every year of 50. And then some, on certain days.  But that's okay. I earned every line on my face, and I don't have any false vanity.  Well, hardly any.

When I was facing 40, I was eager to leave my 30s behind me.  The first half of that decade of my life was profoundly difficult emotionally and financially, and the second half was better only by comparison in that I began to dig myself out of the wreckage of despair and poverty that my life had become.  

My 40s had to be better, I thought -- and they were. I got married, I changed careers, I found a job that, while not unproblematic, has its real rewards, and I was grateful.

I don't know what the future will bring, and sometimes that scares me (I'm an apprehensive person by nature). In my late 30s and my 40s I benefited from help from my friends, some luck, and a shitload of my own hard work.  My earnest hope and desire are that I continue to be grateful for all that's been given me, all that I've earned, and all that I have the opportunity to do. I want to take advantage of those opportunities and give them my best shot with what I've got -- now, where I am in live, warts, gifts, and all.

I want to live the life I have as fully as possible, with all its miracles and imperfections.

Because really? That's the best gift of all.

Self-care

Perhaps the middle of the semester, with all its angst and grading -- or being in the midst of what I suspect is a low-ferritin phase with all its accompanying fatigue -- is not the most opportune time to carve out a bit of peace and balance for myself.

But I certainly need to, and so that's what I'm making efforts to do these days, in a few different ways.

First is finding time for my own research and writing for the upcoming Venice conference. I've begun to work through relevant readings, opened a file for the paper, and even written a few words. I can feel my brain processing material in the background, as it were, as a computer would, even when I'm working on other things, and that feels positive.

Tomorrow I'm dedicating the day to my own research, either here at home or at the infusion center, if that turns out to be something that happens. Hey, they have wifi. And mostly I'll be just reading anyway.

It's also time to lose some of the weight I've gained in the past year. Chalk that up to  lax eating and then totally ignoring what I ate over the summer and into these early fall months ... in the stress of the quest for tenure, it was easy to revert to comfort eating.   I've been given the precious gift and responsibility of the duodenal switch, and it's time to take care of it and myself once again.

I don't have a concrete goal in mind.  5% of my body weight, which is already is sight, looks good as an initial number to shoot for, and then I'll reassess. If that feels okay, I have it in mind to go for another 5%. But as I say, I'm making up my mind as I go along.

To that end, I'm using www.fitday.com again.  It's a wonderful tool that allows you to track foods in whatever way you want. For me what's important are calories and grams of protein, carbohydrates, and fat. It's a good reality check.

A new academic year

Revisions? Done.  At the last minute, with minimal expenditure of energy, and they were not my best effort.

However, the secondary editor on the project seemed to appreciate my having done them at all: "Many thanks for getting the amended text back to me, and for responding to Primary Editor's comments. I hope it wasn't too much of a burden (although I suspect it was!)."

I was given the choice to accept or reject the suggestions, and I took a middle path, accepting all small changes and indicating willingness to make larger ones -- with, however, more direction than two rather sweeping sentences. Which is all the direction that Primary Editor provided.

Um, I give more feedback on my students' papers.

Anyway, the volume goes to the press on September 1. I'm hoping I've seen the last of it until it comes out in print sometime in spring of next year.

Classes?  I think I'm essentially prepared. Syllabi are done, new content learning management system is populated with at least the basic materials for each course (that was a huge drag, I have to say), and I'm simply going to have to feel my way through that technology as things come up during the semester.

Today I need to tweak first-day handouts. And because my university has  given me some space in Second Life where I can set up an office, I'm going to need to get that up and running as well.  Which is actually fun, though I have a tendency to obsess on space in SL and on getting things exactly the way I want them.  This can lead to my staying up until 3 or 4 in the morning. Ahem.  Guess I'd better get those handouts done first.

In the back of my mind I'm also trying to figure out what I want my fall routine to look like. I'm clinging to the idea of the gym as my place of well-being and refuge. I want to keep this blog updated at least twice (and preferably three times) a week, particularly in relation to writing projects. Because my teaching load is its usual heavy self, because I'll be filing my tenure dossier in September, and because my department and college are undergoing major reorgs and I expect there to be a lot of politicking, I'll need to work hard to stay centered and focused on my own well-being and priorities without maxing out on stress.

7 simple ways to say no | zen habits

Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Are you always trying to be nice to others at the expense of yourself?

via zenhabits.net

I'm taking notes on this post.

During the upcoming academic year -- which is going to involve a lot of politicking and jockeying for position and power and which will be exacerbated tough economic times, university reorgs, and some wacked personalities at work -- I'm going to view this challenging crucible as my own personal gym in which I develop boundaries and develop my skills at saying no.

This is a post well worth reading, if only as a reminder of how to lead a more balanced, rewarding life when one lives or works in a dysfunctional system.

Finding balance

Well, I'm doing it.

In the interests of taking off about 20 pounds (I think), maximizing my physical health, and minimizing stress during the coming academic year, I'm joining a gym.

Specifically, I'm joining the "super sport" tier of clubs at 24 Hour Fitness.

Yes, I could get active on my own -- but I don't.  I am not someone who enjoys sports. Or physical activity.  I didn't like them 100 pounds ago and I'm not wild about them now.

I do, however, like the results.  I like the way I look and feel when I exercise, and while I've never been that vigilant about it, I'm willing to believe that significant exertion reduces stress.  I just rarely kick it up to that level on my own.

Proposed solution? Find a gym with enough resources to guide me and help me achieve my goals. One that has branches wherever my daily life takes me, near both home and work. Maintains round-the-clock hours. Offers a good stock and range of well-maintained equipment. Clean. Well-trained staff who are willing to work with my goals.  Classes included in the monthly membership fee. A good vibe.

Today I found the place.

Yesterday I checked out the nearest outlet near my house and disliked it. A lot. The staff seemed to be on auto-pilot, the facility seemed cramped, and while I could certainly envision working out there from time to time, I knew it wasn't going to be a place I felt like making my home base. In fact, I walked out before I even got the grand tour because I didn't like having to fill out forms with my contact information before I decided if I was interested.

Today's outlet -- still quite near me and also conveniently located near my way to and from work -- was much nicer. Even on a busy Saturday morning, there was ample, well-informed staff to talk with me, discover my goals, indicate how they'd work with me, and show me around. Away from staff, I asked both men and women who were there how they liked the club, and I watched a class in action. No red flags were raised. No paperwork was completed until I indicated I wanted to go forward.

Bottom line?  I have an 8 a.m. appointment on Monday for my first session at the gym.

In addition to the lure of the features I've just mentioned, I'm looking upon this club as a kind of dedicated "me" space -- away from both home and work, free of distractions -- where I can focus simply on getting healthy, releasing stress, and achieving concrete goals.

I'm going to need such a place this coming academic year.  Hell, I needed it last year!

I'm looking forward to it.

Update: SGI Buddhism

If you've been following here for a while, you know that a couple of months ago I decided to join the SGI branch of Buddism, acquire my own gohonzon, and explore that path more fully.  Recently a reader asked me about it, since I hadn't posted on the topic in a while. Because the question came just as I was thinking about providing an update here, now seems as good a time as any to do that.

The question put me was, "Did it take?" As in, am I still practicing? Does it still speak to me? Where am I at with it all?

My answer? Yes, it took -- after a fashion. That is, I consider that it took, but the more passionate practitioners of SGI Buddhism might see me as a slacker. 

To summarize, in no particular order:

• I maintain my altar where my gohonzon is located.
• I still chant -- though it's as likely to be in my car on the way to or from errands or work, or in my office, as it is in front of my altar.
• I still read both about and within SGI literature.
• I still study tenets within SGI and within other sects of Buddhism.
• Once in a while I join other SGI members for meetings and chanting, usually at T's invitation (the woman who introduced me to SGI a year ago).  For example, I did so yesterday, and I will do so again tomorrow.
• I'm glad I joined SGI for the real benefits and enlightened perspective I believe it offers in many of its practices and positions.

What's the slacker part?

In my own eyes, only this: I do feel that I would benefit more by a more rigorous practice of chanting at dedicated times and a dedicated place.SGI Buddhists chant and perform twice-daily prayers.

This may mean I may need to relocate my altar so that its position lends itself to that and I can't make excuses not to chant. As with exercise, I'm generally better at incorporating chanting into other activities (on my way to or from somewhere, as I've mentioned).

However, I know full well that, as with exercise, this runs counter to giving the activity my best effort and to the inward focus it deserves.

So really, the location of the altar is just a cosmetic issue. I need to do the inner work. What can I say? I'm still working this out for myself.

As for the issues that concerned me as I was initially investigating SGI, here are my thoughts:

• I don't believe it's a cult in the sense that I understand the word.
• However, I do think there's a cult of personality that's grown up around President Ikeda. It'll be interesting to see how that works itself out when he dies (he's an old man).
• In his role as leader of SGI, I have no particular objections to Ikeda. A lot of his writings make sense.
• But I'm not wild about cults of personalities around anyone, so that part of the SGI structure and organization turns me off and I don't participate. If others within the organization don't like that, so be it.

It's that last bullet point that would probably cause SGI devotees to identify me as a slacker. However, I've never been a passionate convert to anything (aside, perhaps, to literary theory in my first year of grad school a million years ago).

That's both my strength and my weakness. I'm cautious, I'm analytical, and I can never fully detach issues of reason from issues of faith (though my husband, a physicist by training, would say I do so all the time).

So ... that's where things stand today. I still consider myself a Catholic Buddhist. Devout Catholics and SGI Buddhists alike would hate that and find it an untenable position -- but that's what I am.

Imperfect and in progress.  Human.

Sumer is icumen in

My husband is growing a variety of sunflowers in our back yard this summer from seeds that I selected. I've just cut a bouquet and put it in a Waterford vase that I've placed next to the computer monitor on my desk.

Pretty!

Summer is here.

And it's the weekend, which means that I'm trying to treat it like a summer weekend and not do much work, for the most part. So far this morning, so good.  Coffee, protein shake, sitting with my husband outside this morning, petting one of the stray outside kitties who's adopted us. 

With the exception of morning pages at www.750words.com -- well, and blogging -- I'm letting go of writing today and tomorrow.  I'm getting to the point where I don't feel comfortable not writing each day. I like that.  It's part of who I am and what I want to be, which is an active, engaged writer.

But work? That's a different story.  I don't particularly like feeling driven by fear to work, which is how i've felt for the past couple of years. And for at least part of these summer months, I'm simply not going to work on the weekends.

People have commented both positively and negatively on what they variously call my "work ethic" (often said admiringly but also with a hint of disapproval) and my "workaholism"  (this is usually said with lots of disapproval, and yes, sometimes hostility, which is about them, not me).  

Too bad these assessments are wrong on both counts.

The situation is pretty simple, though it's hard for outsiders to understand it:  as a junior faculty member,  if I don't work hard and put in my time,  I don't earn tenure and promotion. Those first six years?  This is pretty much what folks do.  It's what my more senior colleagues did, it's what my friends do. That's the deal you make when you accept a tenure-track job.

But my work ethic is not particularly extraordinary, and I'm not a workaholic. Most friends I have are capable of hard work and work hard, and I, like most of them, would like work to be part of my life but not all of it.

Now, I did have OCD when I was younger and part of that will always be with me.  I've noticed that people often confuse my OCD with workaholism.  They're wrong about that. The two can look the same to an outsider, but they're not the same thing.

When I was younger,  my OCD mostly worked against me.

(Do you know how long it takes to count fringe on your bedroom rug correctly?  Or to touch the light switch the requisite number of times without making a mistake before you can turn off the lights and go to bed? Hours, literally ...)

These days my OCD is mostly under control and frankly, it works reasonably well for me right now, at least in a professional sense.  Now that it's managed, it's part of what enables me to jump through the hoops that an often dysfunctional work environment puts up for me. It's what allows me to set goals, work toward them, and usually (though not always) achieve those goals. It's part of what permits me to focus (when I do focus). Admittedly, it's also what makes it difficult for me to turn off my brain. That's the part that people mistake for workaholism. Yeah, well, I'm working on that.

If I'm granted tenure and promotion at the end of next year, I will continue to work hard. I don't mind hard work. In fact, I like it. Work (and it doesn't have to be paid work) is one of the things that helps make life meaningful.

But it's only one of the things.

A home life that's rewarding, a spiritual life in whatever sense the term resonates for the individual, interests and talents that one can pursue, challenges to take on above and beyond work ... all of these things are equally important.

Greater balance.  That's what I'm going to be seeking more actively after tenure. (Well, before, too, but good luck with that ...)

Academia, writing, and learned helplessness

 

There's a lot of literature out there on the concept of learned helplessness, but I encountered it most recently in the book I mentioned, Write to the Top!:

Emotion-focused coping among academics results in giving up and developing a syndrome called learned helplessness, in which a writer begins to believe that nothing he or she does will result in success; this individual faults others as saboteurs, assumes future failure, capitulates, and ceases the problem-focused coping behavior that will likely result in a reversal of one's fortunes. (75)

I was struck by this passage because I recognize that when I was depressed and impoverished, dealing with the impact of severe depression that resulted from my mother's death in the late 1980s and the long-delayed after-effects of severe childhood sexual abuse, my behavior was a perfect example of learned helplessness. I saw my life -- and myself -- as "impossible, unmanageable, or beyond repair" (75), as so many sufferers of depression (particularly depression that's the result of violence) do.

And while I have managed to turn my life around in the last 13 years -- thank God -- it's not that difficult for me to head back into that place of learned helplessness when I'm triggered.  Historically I've always been a reactive rather than proactive person (hell, it wasn't very safe to be proactive when I was growing up!). The problem is, reactive people don't get far in this life.  I don't mean that they don't become president (though that's also true); I mean that they generally don't find life very rewarding or satisfying because they tend not to lead it on their own terms. As a result, they're often their own worst enemies ... and they know it ... and yet they feel they can do nothing about it. Learned helplessness.

Academic year 2009-2010 felt pretty reactive to me, what with California's severe budget cuts, an out-of-control fall schedule, and a bruising fight for curriculum at the department and college levels. That is, in the fall, at least, it felt as if all I had the time or room to do was react to rapidly changing circumstances. And I realize now even more than I did at the time how debilitating that felt to me.  I did, indeed, feel like a rat in a maze, with giant experimenters (let's call them state and university administrators) setting out bits of cheese and observing what we'd all do. Except that even they weren't that organized.

But at the individual level, once my enrollments lightened in the spring, I found myself becoming more proactive -- first in attitude, then in action. And that has felt consistently good.  I've been more productive, I've felt a greater sense of reward in what I've been doing, and I've become more effective, albeit in little ways.

Success breeds success, of course.  That' s both the hope for those who are in a place where they can act  and the source of despair for those who feel imprisoned by their own hopelessness.  In my case, 13 years ago, I needed two things: 1) an effective medical intervention; and 2) a chance at a job.  I got the first and it led to the second.  The job wasn't glamorous -- I was a secretary to a partner in an accounting firm for $35K a year (good lord, they got a bargain in me, I have to say ) -- but it was my ticket out of a soul-destroying existence (and I was able to almost double my income within two years at a different company -- not exotic, but pretty good for someone who didn't even qualify for unemployment a few years earlier).

Those two things led me out of despair.

I think of them now because I feel hyper-aware of what a difference even a little taste of success can make in one's ability to tap into core resources.  Even now I tend toward emotion-focused coping rather than problem-solving coping, but  I can tell you, without reserve, which one is more functional and productive. It's the latter. 

And the more that I can focus on developing solutions -- for my writing, for my career, for my life -- rather than stewing about things that are beyond my control, the more productive and fulfilled I am.

Now, let's see if I can remember this tomorrow as I turn to revisions of an article that one reader didn't care very much for at all!

Simple Productivity | Zen Habits: The End of Busy

“Doing nothing is better than being busy doing nothing.” ~Lao Tzu

Post written by Leo Babauta. Follow me on twitter or identica.

Stop being busy and your job is half done.

Think about how busy we are, and how it has become a way of bragging: I’m so busy, I must be important.

“I have a million things to do! I never have time for anything! I can’t slow down — I’m too busy.” This is thought to be a good thing in a society where we must be productive, active, occupied.

But it’s a fool’s game. Busy is simply noise, action without meaning, lots of little unimportant things rather than a few important ones.

Stop being busy. Just decide to stop, today.

Now you’re halfway done. You’ve decided to slow down, and to focus on what’s important. All of a sudden, your schedule clears up, and your to-to list shrinks down to almost nothing.

Now you just have one or two things to do, instead of a million. You clear distractions, and focus. Get all the goodness »

via zenhabits.net

Zen Habits is one of my favorite blogs, and I simply had to reproduce today's post there in full here, as a reminder to myself.

Now that the semester is over, it's much easier for me to let inessentials drop away.  I don't need a to-do list.  I can keep it simple and focus on a few essentials.

This summer it's about shepherding a few articles toward publication and putting some healthy habits in place for stress relief and balance.  Period.  It's also about relaxation and preserving a zone of sanity for myself.

I got really stressed out this past academic year -- budget cuts, furloughs, work load, institutional politics at various levels -- and it just wasn't worth it.  It's worth getting stressed over things that really matter: health, family, loved ones.  It's not worth turning yourself into a stress-ball over the littler things in life.

So, once again, thanks, Leo Bautista and Zen Habits, for the reminder that keeping it simple is the key to a more rewarding life.

What if I CAN?!

 

It's truly amazing to discover what and how much you can accomplish when you stop thinking I can't do this or even questioning what if I can't do this?

What if I could?

What if I can?

What if I am?

For years I lived down to my own fears about myself.  Not to my lowest expectations, exactly, because a single-celled organism couldn't even do that -- but I did let fear circumscribe my expectations of myself.

I can't do that because ...

Part of that was a function of major clinical depression, from which I've suffered nearly all my life.  And part of it was how I (mis)managed my own psychology -- depressed or undepressed.  Today my depression is well-managed, but my core psychology is a trickier thing to handle.

There are always reasons for why we choose what we choose, and that includes how and why we look at ourselves and what's possible. Sometimes the reasons are just that -- reasons. But how easily reasons become excuses.

Yesterday, without getting wrapped up in internal fear or drama about professional what-ifs, I:

• Wrote a letter of recommendation for a newly minted Ph.D.
• Graded my daily quota of papers
• Volunteered to do a portion of website work for our program that would be a) useful and helpful; b) doable and easy from my end; c) something I'd enjoy
• Wrote and sent another conference proposal, focusing on issues that interest me and not worrying (yet) about the logistics of possibly juggling two conferences in a two-week time frame
• Honed some skills in Second Life for several hours that a) I didn't think I'd be able to master; b) furthered my understanding of some issues I hope to present in the conference papers I've proposed recently

By anyone's standards, including my own, yesterday was a productive day.

What if I can?  What if I am ... productive?  Doing what I want to be doing? What if I am successful?!

Why is it so frightening for so many people (particularly women) to think this way?  The answer probably varies from person to person, but for me, it's the prospect of ... risk, loss, failure. A lot of the time it's easier to settle for the second- or even -third-best version of yourself than to risk the real pain of finding out that the self you want to be is out-of-reach or falls short of your own expectations  -- or other people's expectations for you.  And you know what?  Inevitably that is going to happen from time to time -- because that's the nature of human beings and human endeavor.

But that's true for everyone, not just for me.

Compromise is realistic and necessary and sometimes painful, but it's the result of finding out what's possible in the first place and then making an informed, compassionate decision.  Settling?  That comes from a place of fear, often without finding out what's possible first. 

I'm willing to compromise.  I'm not willing to settle -- least of all for a lesser version of the best self that I can be.

Writing with gratitude

 
 

You know it's been a rough academic year when the prospect of grading 80+ papers seems like a relative pleasure contrasted with what's gone before.

Yesterday was the last official meeting of the school year, and now all that remains to finish it off are grading and graduation festivities on May 28.

I can handle that.

And I can handle the writing that comes after.  Indeed, I'm looking forward to it.  The first anniversary of this blog is May 28, which is fitting somehow, as that date will mark my transition back into a writing-focused mode for the next three months. I look forward to exploring issues that come up for me and for other writers during such a process in future posts.

I try to make gratitude a daily practice and I've gotten away from that a bit in recent months. As I write this how, however, the thought "I'm so lucky" comes spontaneously into my mind.  And of course, I am lucky in so many different ways that extend well beyond the parameters of this blog's focus (does it have one?). However, just now the feeling is associated with my awareness of luxury I have in the coming weeks of exploring my own creativity, interests, and writing in ways that are rewarding to me.

Granted, the writing is connected to work and to my professional life. But the more that I can tap into this feeling of writing for myself (as opposed to for tenure or for promotion), the better off I'll be.  I'm tired of writing from a place of fear. At this point, I either will or won't get tenure, I either will or won't be promoted ... but I've had it with writing with my heart in my mouth. 

I began this blog last May as a way of connecting myself to the writing process. In the coming year my intention is to continue it as a way of owning my identity as a writer and author.  Writing and words are who I am.

Introspection

 
There are times when you simply have to triage some commitments -- even some important ones -- in order to take care of issues at hand.

This is one of those times.

I shed a non-work-related meeting I'd planned to attend last night, and I'm offloading a professional gathering this afternoon.  In both cases, it would have been good to go, but it wasn't necessary.

The issues in question?  Not fodder for this blog, but they involve relationships and life choices. The choices are not necessarily ones that I will decide upon immediately, but they require research, soul-searching, evaluation, planning, and introspection.

None of which is conducive to a frantic schedule.

But of course, one's daily calendar does move forward, and so I do have my usual work to do today. In a way, work is a respite right now.

Simple Productivity | Zen Habits

Let go of obsessions, and embrace the moment.

Let go of salesmanship and hype, and be content.

Let go of one-upsmanship and competitiveness, and just share and encourage.

Let go of control, and embrace what comes.

Let go of perfection, and just do.

via zenhabits.net

Again, Zen Habits comes to the rescue when my own well has run dry and I'm tapped out, intellectually or emotionally (today, after a difficult weekend, it's the latter).

Weekend thoughts

By HD Silversmith

In no particular order:

• My newly pierced ear no longer hurts. It itches.  But I'm not complaining.

• I spent half an hour this morning chanting with others at the SGI Community Center near me and felt connected to self and community. Good experience. I see some undeniably starry-eyed folks around me (for the most part, the starry-eyed bunch are very young -- maybe it's a function of their youth), but mostly the people present seem like ... regular folks. Imagine that.

• I exchanged my CD-ROM of The Writings of Nichiren Daishonin for a new one.  Turns out the disc was faulty and this one works fine. Unfortunately.  Because hey, I really could have gotten them online for free via SGI's website. Silly me.  Still, it has some good features.

• Before coming home to work this morning, I stopped at Trader Joe's for some healthy foods.  I'm going back to DS basics for the next few weeks to minimize stress on my body and maximize nutrition:  very high protein, very low carb, and as many whole foods as possible.

On that note, I think I'll take a break from the proposal I'm considering to partake of some baby carrots and hummus (the former is simply a delivery system for the latter).

On that proposal: how likely do I really think it is that I'll be accepted to a conference on "constructed space" in Venice, Italy for this coming November?  My area is film, not architecture or design.  But hey, they sent me the proposal invitation, so I'm going to give it a whirl.

Because really? I just want another international cred on my c.v. and to return to Venice, which I first (and last) saw at the age of 18 for less than 24 hours.

If I get in, I'll be stunned. And delighted. I won't get in.  But if I do ... wow.

It's a go

By HD Silversmith

This morning my friend T came over for coffee, and I chose to become a member of the local SGI Nichiren Buddhist district.

Practically speaking, this means I made a tax-free donation of $30 to process membership paperwork, receive my own gohonzon (scroll -- I'll get it [or, in the language of SGI, it will be "conferred"] on April 22), and get a one-year subscription to the organization's publication World Tribune. (Not sure if I want the third item, but hey, it's included, so okay.)

I make donations of that size often enough to spiritual or religious organizations -- including the Catholic Church, a Christian church, Religious Science of Minds, and now SGI.

Call me eclectic. I'm a 21st-century cliche of a woman of my particular origin, occupation, and position. At least I know that.

T brought me some additional literature this morning and, of her own accord, raised the specter of SGI as cult. "You know, if I'd encountered SGI in the 1970s or 80s, I don't think I would have liked it," she said. "Too culty." 

(I swear to god ... her very word. I didn't bring up the issue  because I'd already made my choice --  T went there herself.)

"... but I've practiced Nichiren Buddhism since I was 10, and by the time I met up with SGI, it had already changed a great deal since those early days when it migrated to the U.S. It used to be aggressively evangelical, and that really would have turned me off."

Hallelujah.

T continues to seem really grounded to me on the subject of her spiritual practice, which is one of the things that's attracted me to it over the past nine months or so. Yet again, everything she said today simply reinforces that impression.

That, plus the fact that when I discussed my discomfort with the idea of strangers coming into my home to enshrine the gohonzon and that my husband would like that idea even less than I, she totally respected that.  That really eased my concerns.

"Whatever is going to make you and your husband feel comfortable," she said instantly.  "Whatever works out best for you. We'll figure it out."

Currently the plan is that T will come over and enshrine the gohonzon shortly after it's conferred at the end of next week. 

That I can deal with. 

(My husband, somewhat reclusive by nature, won't like even that, but this is where it's simply his nature, not an issue with the organization itself. He'll have to deal, as he's dealt with other things that are important to me. In return, I'll try to minimize his need to interact with T when she's here.  Though she's great.  Once he gets over his initial discomfort with strangers, he generally like the folks I like, too.)

I think that, over the course of the summer, I'll also  investigate the non-SGI Nichiren Buddhist temple here where I live, just to get a little balance and perspective and deepen my knowledge as I study (thank you, A. Mouse, for that suggestion).

Perhaps all of this begs the question what am I?  Religion-wise, I mean.

Well, I guess it's pretty obvious that I don't identify solely and individually as any specific religion.  Right now I'd say that spiritually I'm a Catholic Buddhist -- realizing, of course, that neither group would be particularly thrilled with that designation.

What can I say? That's how I construct myself.  That's what I am at this particular moment in my life.

It's just going to have to do.

the zen of doing | Zen Habits

via zenhabits.net

By HD Silversmith

As always, Babauta offers a post of useful reminders over at Zen Habits.

Mid-life crisis

By HD Silversmith

That's what I'm having! Duh. Can't believe it hasn't occurred to me in just these terms before now.

This spiritual seeking, this sudden desire for a phoenix tattoo and, as of last night, a piercing in the upper curve of my right ear (the lobe of which already has three tiny holes in which I wear very small loops) ...

I get it now.

It's a mid-life crisis

As these things go, this is fairly mild. After all, I don't want to tattoo vast expanses of my body or pierce places that are inaccessible to light (though I say right on to those that do). I don't want to buy a sports car or have an affair.I don't want to convert to Buddhism (Nichiren SGI or otherwise, though again, you go, sister, if you do).

I don't even want to change careers -- though I will if I have to if and when I don't get tenure, and/or if I'm laid off during upcoming Draconian cuts to the budget.

It's more that I want to continue to be who and what I am right now and not wait Until Things Settle Down (read: until I do or don't get tenure, until the budget cuts are or are not resolved well). I could get run over by a bus this afternoon.

If I want some form of spirituality in my life that speaks to me and allows me to make positive change, that's my own business.

If I want to have a beautiful tattoo that I can see on my body on a daily basis throughout the day and that will therefore be visible to others, too, then I'm going to do it.

f I want a tiny little hoop or barbell in the upper curve of my right ear, I'm going to have it.

If people don't like it, or if they don't think it's appropriate on a 49-year old woman, that would have to be their problem, wouldn't it?

It's not going to be mine.

(Golly, okay, then.  Settle down!)

Alternative spiritual paths

By HD Silversmith

As indicated in the sidebar under "On the Bookshelf," I'm reading Encountering the Dharma: Daisaku Ikeda, Soka Gakkai, and the Globalization of Buddhist Humanism (Richard Hughes Seager: Berkeley/Los Angeles/London: University of California Press, 2006), and I'm thoroughly enjoying this scholarly study of a lay offshoot of Nichiren Buddhism.

A professor of religious studies, Seager offers a personal yet incisive study of questions that have arisen around the Soka Gakkai movement, ranging from its origins and organization to rumors that it was or is a cult.

Though I've read only a portion of the book so far, it's put to rest my anxieties about the latter (for the moment ... certain things make them flare up again) and increased my confidence that, whatever else it is, it has a great deal to offer as a philosophy and practice of peace, culture, education, and social change.

(This doesn't mean that fanatics don't and can't develop around SGI -- as they can and do around any religion or political movement, particularly during a conversion experience. But as best I can tell, that's not at all what SGI itself is about. It's had three presidents, the last one since 1960, however, and a certain amount of "cult of personality" seems to have arisen around him among some people. That I can do without, thanks.)

On Saturday morning I'm going to a community center to participate in a three-hour chanting session, though my plan is to stay for an hour only.  If that. I find the underlying hum of the chant very grounding: it connects me to myself and to others simultaneously while also increasing my alertness somehow.  Not numbing but energizing. 

Kind of fascinating.

Light at the end of the tunnel

By HD Silversmith

Spring break is officially over and I return to campus today.  Six more weeks of classes, then the madness of grading, then ... summer.  It's coming.  I can see it in the distance.

I got up at 5 a.m. this morning to start organizing my thoughts and plans for this rather long teaching day, but before I launched into course prep, I spent about six minutes chanting and meditating.  Not long by some standards, but it felt good enough to ground me. I feel stronger about going into the final stretch of spring semester.

My plan? To chant again this evening to release the stress of the day and to stay focused and centered. (My god, can you tell I live in California?!)

Wish me luck. 

A sublime latte

By HD Silversmith

Farewell, fancy espresso machines.  It's back to stove top basics for me, where I actually should have started but never did.

This Bialetti is all you need to produce fabulous espresso. No moving machinery, nothing really to break. Then nuke some milk, froth it with an Aerolatte or similar tool, and you have your cappuccino or latte.

I can't believe I've put myself through the expense and hassle of electric espresso makers and steamers.  Granted, I never went what most folks would consider high-end, but I spent a lot of time and and still wasted more money than I needed to before I discovered that simpler is better.

I'm sipping a home-brewed latte as I write this, fueling up for my Easter:

• Meditation and a lecture this morning with my friend T and others
• My cousin's Easter do this afternoon
• A visit to a friend's house later in the day

I'll  be gone most of the day, perhaps into the evening, and I'll be resolutely ignoring the return to spring semester tomorrow. 

But I even feel okay about that because after spring break, everyone knows we're in the home stretch, and the end of the academic year is in sight.

Sure, I'll have an early rise tomorrow morrning to get some critical tasks done before walking into the classroom tomorrow. 

But I'll have had me a real spring break.. Lord knows I needed it.

Sun's out

By HD Silversmith

I don't know if it's my adjusted depression meds, spring break, yesterday's chanting, (too much?) caffeine, the writing I've been doing here recently, or all of it combined -- but today I feel better than I have in ages.  By which I mean weeks. Months, even.

Possibly even longer.

Normally I'd hesitate to put such a thought in words for fear of jinxing it (yes, I'm superstitious). Today, however, I feel sufficiently connected to and in tune with myself to realize that, no matter how I feel tomorrow, this feeling I have today is real and possible for me.

Meds

• The proper dose and combination are critical to my well-being,  Period. My depression is a chronic, severe form that, managed properly, does not have to impact my life negatively. When my biochemistry is out of whack, however, life can be a frightmare, regardless of how positive or negative my actual circumstances are.

Spring break

• Thank god, is all I can say.  It's been a bitch of an academic year, and this break arrived just in time. Despite the fact that I've let some deadlines slip, I needed this mental health break, and I've used the downtime as just that.  It was the right choice.  Not without consequences -- but still the right choice for me for this moment.

Chanting

• I'm excited by this, as it feels like a really good fit with my search (or some time now) for a meditational practice that's effective and that I will do regularly.  I don't see myself converting to Buddhism, but I do respect its tenets and practices enormously.

Caffeine

• I bought a simple Bialetti stovetop espresso maker the other day at Williams Sonoma, and it makes me very happy.  Enough said. :)

Writing

• It's a habit, it's a practice, it's necessary to me and my well-being, and wow, do I ever need to remember that!  The obvious dawned on me this morning: I don't have to Write about Writing in order to be writing.  I just have to do it. Here. Often. To stay in touch with myself, however wonky I may or may not be feeling, and to stay in touch with my craft.

Chanting

By HD Silversmith

I'm investigating a lay form of Nichiren Buddhism that seems to have gained visibility in the West during the 1960s and evolved more formally in 1975 -- Soka Gakkai. 

Translated as "Value-Creation Society," the awkward, opaque phrase and the organization's relatively recent incarnation in the West initially made me very wary.  Frankly, it struck me that it could be a not-very-thin cover for a cult.

I like my religions to go back a thousand years or so and to have withstood the test of time. Certainly Buddhism has ... but this particular branch of it?

I can imagine hordes of strung-out hippies in the 1970s going for SG in droves!.(Actually, my husband met just such a person back then who wanted to turn him on to the power of Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, the central chant and fundamental expression of Nicheran Buddhism.)

Nevertheless, I've been reading about SG rather desultorily since last summer, when I first met T, a young woman in Salzburg, a colleague at my university who practices SG Buddhism.  I really respect her, and she was raised within SGI.  As I've gotten to know her better, she's invited me to chanting, study, and discussion sessions.  Several months ago, I accepted one of her invitations.  I liked what I saw and the people I met. They didn't act like devotees of a cult. A few were faculty, some were community leaders. A couple were annoying. All of them seemed like regular folks.

(Of course, does a cult ever seem like a cult to those who are drawn to it initially?)

Yesterday I met T for lunch, and I accepted her offer to chant with her at her house today.  I felt apprehensive and ridiculous, and I told her as much.  I don't even know how to say the words, much less chant them, and while I can certainly get behind their concepts and meanings, once translated, I was afraid I'd feel  like an absolute idiot. I also didn't want her to think I was agreeing to anything more than chanting -- like dedicating myself to SG Buddhist study, or anything else.

But T and I had been talking about stress management and mindfulness and the need for balance and centeredness for people generally and certainly for us as junior faculty within a university system in budgetary crisis. And T offered to chant with me with no judgment or expectations. It felt safe to accept her offer.

And so I did.

Bottom line?  The experience felt ... really good. Her partner and spouse (a woman) joined us, and they made sure I felt comfortable in the room, in my position. I chose to sit in an overstuffed chair behind them, and they sat cross-legged on cushions before a beautiful wood altar with assorted fruit, incense, and candles,

And we simply ... chanted.

Nam-myoho-renge-kyo.

At first we chanted for 15 minutes, but when I said, "Damn, I'm just hitting my stride!" they laughed, and T asked if I wanted to continue, which I did.  So, for another 15 minutes we went on.

At its best, I felt deeply connected to myself and to existence beyond myself. Energized, too.  At its worst, I felt awkward, lost my place a bit in the chant, and simply focused on saying the words. Either way, however, I could feel the energy and release of the meditation, and I liked it.

I've written occasionally about my desire to develop a more mindful, balanced existence, and all I know is, this chant really seemed like a way to channel that desire and a path toward developing a meditational practice.

I'm going to continue investigating.  And chanting.  And we shall see.

March progress report: 2010 resolutions

By HD Silversmith

It's time for my monthly self-assessment.

Work

• Practice saying no (to myself, to colleagues, and to students)  instead of yes as my default response.  Success. I was able to limit my participation in a union activity and set boundaries I felt comfortable with, so I regard this as a good thing.
  

• Limit time spent on work email. Backsliding: I've slipped a bit on non-teaching days.  Again, I need to check work email twice a day only, in the morning and evening. 
  

• Pick one class each semester to further my own research. Moderate success: I aneed to finish a book I assigned to my graduate seminar primarily because I wanted to read it.

Health

• Stay current with lab work and medical wellness appointments. Moderate success: Still no  mammogram or GYN appointments --> Action items for April. I'm going to investigate additional DS-appropriate supplements ----> Action items for April.
  

• Establish relationship with dentist. Success:  I go in for a simple cleaning tomorrow, and then I'm caught up, except for the minor detail of contracting for a permanent crown to replace the spackle in my root canal that was done in January.
  

• Improve DS-specific nutrition. Moderate success: Since the start of the semester on January 25, I've reduced my refined sugar intake, upped my protein, and journaled my food daily. I've been better (but not good enough) about taking my supplements daily --> Ongoing action items for April.  Also, I admit it.I'd like to lose 10-15 pounds.  I'll formalize that goal when I weigh my self on Monday, April 5.
  

• Incorporate regular exercise into my week. Action items for April. Still a slug.
  

Writing

• Revise/resubmit apocalypse article by January  8. FAIL --> now targeted for April, in view of the modified Heavenly Creatures deadline, below.
• Place Random Harvest article by September 1, 2010. Ongoing
• Write draft of Heavenly Creatures chapter by end of March. I'm late.
• Read The Screenwriter's Bible and Save the Cat by March 31nd).FAIL Time to take this one off the list for now.
• Maintain and develop WordFlix. In transition.

I'm slipping.  This month I'd give myself about a B-, down from last month's B+.  In view of what a difficult academic year it's been and my recent meds setback, I simply need to acknowledge this and move forward.

13 small things to simplify your workday | Zen Habits

via zenhabits.net

By HD Silversmith

Once again Leo Babauta demonstrates that less is more.  I really need to take these 13 principles to heart.

Zen proverb

The obstacle is the path.

Simple Productivity | Zen Habits

Positive thinking, as trite as it seems, has changed my life.

I’m not going to sell you on it, but if you’re interested, here’s the condensed guide to changing your own life:

Realize it’s possible, instead of telling yourself why you can’t.
Become aware of your self-talk.
Squash negative thoughts like a bug.
Replace them with positive thoughts.
Love what you have already.
Be grateful for your life, your gifts, and other people.
Every day.
Focus on what you have, not on what you haven’t.
Don’t compare yourself to others.
But be inspired by them.
Accept criticism with grace.
But ignore the naysayers.
See bad things as a blessing in disguise.
See failure as a stepping stone to success.
Surround yourself by those who are positive.
Complain less, smile more.
Image that you’re already positive.
Then become that person in your next act.

Focus on this habit first, and you’ll have a much easier time with any other.

via zenhabits.net

By HD Silversmith

Honestly?  If this post were written by any other blogger, I'd roll my eyes and move on. 

But the fact of the matter is, I find Zen Habits an enormously useful blog, and its author, Leo Babauta, seems to live by its principles and feel comfortable in himself.

So I'm going with this today.  I'm going to act AS IF I'm thinking positively -- because I do believe that in reframing issues to and about myself, I can move forward on all fronts.