WordFlix

Hearth and Home | Quiet Saturday

Just so folks know, I did, indeed, work on my book proposal yesterday -- and today as well (a little). I wouldn't say I'm making great progress, but at least I'm sketching in bits, realizing what I need to do, and strategizing.  My next day with the proposal in a sustained way is Tuesday, when I shall be working from home.  I know where I'll begin writing (and not just cutting and pasting) text, and that feels good. 

Dealing with my own psychology around this project is obviously something of a challenge for me, and it's exhausting, which is probably why I needed to chill out a bit today. I watched most of Whitney Houston's funeral on television, vaccuuming and dusting much of the downstairs in our house as I did so. I made a shopping list and went to the store for groceries: tomorrow I'll be making an older WW recipe for mac and cheese that a former student sent me and that looks much better than the one I've made twice so far. I felt a panic attack coming on (really, o messed up head of mine?) ...  which ultimately made me take a small dose of tranquilizer ... which in turn sent me directly to sleep.  Sleep wasn't a bad thing, as I've been experiencing a great deal of insomnia since last summer.  (I have a life-long history of sleeplessness, so it's nothing new; on the other hand, perimenopause is most definitely not helping). So I napped and just took it easy for the rest of the day, and the panic that was circling around me dissipated and hasn't returned.  Throughout the day I spoke to my husband, who's in southern California taking care of a rental property, and now I sit in the living room, tucked up in my easy chair with my heated throw and laptop.

Tomorrow? I'm going to my Weight Watchers meeting. I'm losing, slowly but consistently: since I have no specific weight goal in mind but simply want to fit into an old pair of jeans that are currently two sizes two small for me, I'm content in taking my time to get there.  As long as I lose each week (okay, well, I gained one, but otherwise I've lost every week), I don't feel the need to be on the fast track. In a week I generally exceed not only  my daily points, but my weekly extras as well, and yet I'm still losing.  (I figure this is because I'm hard-wired for weight loss.).  Still, despite the extra points, as of last week I was averaging a loss of 1.9 pounds a week, which is close to the 2.0 max loss that Weight Watchers recommends.  We'll see what tomorrow's results bring.

So? A quiet Saturday, and I have an equally quiet Sunday planned as well -- hopefully without the angst attack I experienced today.

Hearth and Home | The Simple Woman’s Daybook 1/28/12

FOR TODAY 

Outside my window lies a chilly, clear northern California night.

I am thinking about my husband, who is in southern California this week, overseeing the overhaul and bringing up to snuff of his rental house before he arranges for new tenants -- the first new tenants in well over 12 years.  Yeah. Let's just say the house needed some work.

I am thankful for second chances.  (How many times in my life can I say that?  Not enough.)

In the kitchen lies my shopping list for tomorrow:  I'll be making Weight Watchers  chicken fried (brown) rice and batching it out into individual containers for the week.

I am wearing grey yoga pants, a navy blue tank top, a black cowl-necked top with three-quarter length sleeves, grey socks, and black UGG slippers.

I am creating a more centered inner space for myself, more balance, and greater peace. I think it's working - lol.

I am going to go to my Weight Watchers meeting tomorrow, shop for groceries, and then come home to work on admin/class-related matters for the upcoming week.

I am wondering how best to organize my research and writing time this semester -- for which I have received a grant.  This means that I need to dedicate at least 8 hours of a conventional 40-hour work week to my market research, book proposal, and agent querying. Not that I work a conventional 40-hour week (try -- more).  Do I dedicate a single day?  Parts of two days? (I'm thinking 4 hours on Thursday and 4 on Friday might be more productive, given the other obligations that kind of crop up on a daily basis.)  Need to decide on an approach to try for this week, at least. If it doesn't work, I can adjust my schedule accordingly.

I am reading Eckhart Tolle and Paisley Swann Stewart.

I am hoping to show a weekly loss at tomorrow's weigh-in -- but I'm not feeling in it my body.  And that will just have to be okay.  Onward to the next week.

I am looking forward to being paid on Wednesday:  with out-of-pocket medical expenses and the trip to Las Vegas, January was an expensive month (the same will hold true for February in different ways: I need to buy my ticket to/from Boston and New York and put away money for my husband's March birthday present --> a Mac PowerBook laptop.  Note: I can't really afford it, but I can pay for it, and I want to give him something nice).

I am hearing the sounds of CNN playing in my living room.

Around the house lie sleeping kitties.

I am pondering how it feels to have turned 51 yesterday. It's somewhat odd to realize in the wake of Las Vegas and last night that, having lost 100+ pounds about 6 years ago, I'm now more visible and "out there" for men to ogle and come on to, despite my age. I'm happily married, lost the weight during my marriage, and rarely put myself out there for such response -- but Las Vegas is its own weird scene, and I was on a dance floor last night with a couple of female friends, and I found myself the target of some male attention.  Most women get used to this in their 20s ... not me! Odd ... and I'm realizing, of course, that it's not simply the weight loss; it's also a relatively recent comfort with myself, who I am. and a confidence that I didn't feel when I was much younger.  Those things are probably attractive in and of themselves.  How ironic:  more male attention these days than I have any interest it.  

One of my favorite things is rum and diet Coke.

A few plans for the rest of the week: address work issues contained in my email, establish a routine for the current semester, connect with my boss (who's totally gone underground -- what's up with that?), and continue to support my husband at a distance as he slogs through the care of his rental.

Check out the original Simple Woman's Daybook.

Hearth and Home | The Simple Woman’s Daybook 1/23/12

FOR TODAY 

Outside my window there are four feral kitties who have depended upon my husband and me for a few years now for daily care and feeding.

I am thinking about the spring semester, which officially starts tomorrow.

I am thankful for the optimistic results of tests and medical procedures so far, though nervous that they're not 100% reassuring.

In the kitchen is a teeny tiny new frying pan I bought at the grocery store this afternoon that is the perfect size for cooking a single fried egg -- which I did tonight.

I am wearing grey sweatpants and a tan sweatshirt that reads, "I was promised that there would be no math involved!"

I am creating a zone of positive energy and thinking around myself as I take on the new school term.

I am going to go to campus tomorrow to advise students, hold meetings, and generally get ready for the start of classes on Wednesday.

I am wondering what the outcomes of Thursday's medical appointment will be with my surgeon/dermatologist.

I am reading (still) Paisley Swan Stewart's Chanson de L'Ange (Book One): Bleeding Rose.

I am hoping my husband has a safe, uneventful drive home from southern California tomorrow, where he's been dealing with a rental property.

I am looking forward to getting my wrist stitches out on Thursday (they hurt and they itch).

I am hearing the sound of our water heater burbling on and off.

Around the house are four very tame, sweet kitties who miss their daddy.

I am pondering how best to have a sane and balanced semester within myself, regardless of external nuttiness on the job.

One of my favorite things just now is Diet Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate with a dab of Bailey's Irish Creme in it. Nice when I have insomnia and it's chilly outside.

A few plans for the rest of the week: deal with reentry to campus life; take some boots and shoes to the shoemaker for reheeling; price flights to Boston and trains to New York for March's conference and trip generally; start researching book proposal on Friday.

 Check out the original Simple Woman's Daybook.

 

Hearth and Home | The Simple Woman’s Daybook 1/15/12

FOR TODAY 

Outside my window there's a very determined orange kitty signaling his desire to come in from the sun porch.

I am thinking about the power of directed intention.

I am thankful for the optimistic first results of my biopsy and tumor removal and hopeful that the next pathology report will be clear.

In the kitchen are a few new and old cookbooks I've set aside to make my weekly dishes to eat and freeze, a digital kitchen scale, and some Weight Watchers oatmeal (3 points) and mint chocolate snack bars (2 points) -- the food was on sale at today's meeting and I thought I'd try it.

I am wearing a blue tank top, a black v-necked cardigan, grey yoga pants, Christmas socks, and my black UGG slippers.

I am creating a blogging space I  like.

I am going to enjoy a quiet remainder of the afternoon and evening.

I am wondering when I should start working on class materials for spring semester, which begins on January 24. (I'm teaching only one course that I've taught many times, but there are always aspects of it that need to change.)  Answer? Not today.

I am reading Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now.

I am hoping (and planning on!) continued success on Weight Watchers for the foreseeable future (down 8.6 pounds since January 4).

I am looking forward to going to Las Vegas with my friend K this week (Tuesday through Thursday) for a quick stay at The Venetian in order to see Phantom - Las Vegas (which closes in September).  Woot!

I am hearing my husband practicing his guitar.

Around the house things are slightly messy.  They're going to stay that way today.

I am pondering how to live ever more firmly in the present moment.

One of my favorite things is a warm nose (and the tip of mine is chilly just now: it's time to crank up the heat).

A few plans for the rest of the week: get my nails done, do laundry, and pack for Las Vegas trip.  I'm not thinking past our departure!

Check out the original Simple Woman's Daybook.

Hearth and Home | New Year's Eve 2011

My resolutions are made, my blog's design and content are tweaked for the new year for the immediate future, and I consider myself ready to take on 2012.

Rose, a kind reader, left a comment wishing me a good outcome for the biopsy that's weighing on my mind, and also the gift of serenity.  That spoke to me immediately ("God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change").  All the worrying in the world right now won't change the results, but serenity and faith that I am and will continue to lead my life in the present moment do lend a kind of ease.  The present is all any of us has.  I keep reminding myself of that. Regret and worry do not improve our lives or the lives of those around us.  Feel your feelings -- but then let them resolve into positive action for yourself and others.

At the moment, however, there's precious little action of any kind around our house, as my husband and I are in our usual New Year's Eve mode -- which is to say, we are relaxing and have no plans to go out.  When I was single and living in Los Angeles, I used to meet up with friends at a diner or coffee shop for the ringing in of the new year, and that was always fun, but other than that, I've always been something of a stay-at-home person on New Year's Eve. 

Tonight is no different.  My husband and I always strike a deal that we'll stay awake until midnight; one of us will get sleepy, and the other will say, "Let's just go to bed, dearie." At which point, with a great deal of relief, we will race upstairs to bed, only to wake up once midnight arrives and give each other a kiss.  And, scene. 

Nevertheless, New Year's Eve deserves to be marked, so I'm making the following tried-and-true recipe which I've shared with many folks over the years.  To be accompanied by a spinach-and-bleu cheese salad:

Strozzapreti alla Grigia a la Ristorante Pizzeria al Terzo Tempo

 (“Strangled Priest”)

Via della Giustiniana, Rome

Ingredients

• ¼ - ½ lb. Italian pancetta, diced into small pieces.  (If you don’t have pancetta, you can use 12 oz. bacon, trimmed to reduce fat.)
• 3 cloves garlic, minced
• I T olive oil
• 1 tsp. oregano
• ½ tsp. crushed dried hot red pepper flakes
• ½ tsp freshly ground pepper
• ¼ cup butter, melted
• ¾ cup heavy cream
• ½ cup freshly grated Parmesan cheese
• ¼ cup chopped fresh parsley
• 12 oz. gemelli-shaped Italian pasta

 Instructions

In large, heavy frying pan or skillet, brown pancetta, oregano, and red pepper flakes in olive oil. Just before pancetta is thoroughly cooked and brown, add minced garlic and sauté briefly. Add melted butter and stir. Add cream to pan and heat, stirring constantly to avoid scalding.  After heated, stir in Parmesan cheese, add fresh ground pepper and parsley, stirring regularly.  Reduce heat to a very low bubbling.

Bring water with added salt to boil in 6-quart pot.  Add pasta to boiling water.  Cook until al dente.  Drain.

Add the recently drained pasta to the pan and quickly mix pasta with sauce, heating briefly.  Add fresh parsley and stir. Serve immediately.

Serves 4 and then some.

(This is a spicy, rich dish that’s not about healthy eating.  That's why we're having it tonight, on the last night of 2011, rather than tomorrow, when I turn over a new leaf and practice healthier eating!)

Enjoy!

Home and Hearth | Farewell, Tannenbaum

Today's the day for taking down the Christmas tree here at our house.

If I were an actively practicing Catholic, as I was raised to be, it wouldn't come down until Epiphany, but that's too late for me now: I prefer all signs of Christmas to be packed away before I usher in the new year. Fresh start and all that.

So this morning I will get out the boxes, wrap each ornament in tissue paper, and put everything away for next year. A quick vaccuuming after the tree actually makes its exit, and presto-chango, the change is complete.

What if there is no next year? my understandably frightened but also hypochondriacal self whispers, the one that's waiting for word on her biopsy for melanoma. To which I reply, well, if it comes to that, I can haul out the Christmas ornaments mid-year and take a look at them if I want to! Either way, I'll see them again.  Now, buck up and move forward. 

As we move out of Christmas mode and contemplate the new year, I'm doing what a lot of folks do, which is to contemplate what I'd like to accomplish in 2012. I think I'll have about 3-5 resolutions, carefully formulated, which I'll share here in the next couple of days. I'm a goal-oriented person, so resolutions -- realistically formulated and properly composed -- tend to help me.

But those will the subject for another post.

Hearth and Home | The Simple Woman’s Daybook

FOR TODAY 

Outside my window night is falling.

I am thinking about what I want to do tomorrow.

I am thankful for the peace and stability I have achieved in my life.

From the learning rooms I have discovered that all achievement entails a great deal of grace and luck.

In the kitchen bread, cheese, and ham beckon to me.

I am wearing a black scoop-necked light-weight sweater, a navy blue camisole, grey yoga pants, and black UGG slippers.

I am creating new plans and new designs for WordFlix.

I am going to get a book contract, publish an article, and possibly self-publish a book of my mother's verse in 2012.

I am wondering what the results of tomorrow's dermatologist's appointment will be.

I am reading light fiction tonight on my iPad -- haven't yet picked the title.

I am hoping that my husband will keep in closer contact with his German family in 2012 -- but it has to be his choice, not mine.

I am looking forward to chanting with T on New Year's Day at a world peace gathering.

I am hearing the rather beautiful soundtrack to Skyrim as my husband plays the game in our living room.

Around the house it still looks like Christmas.

I am pondering what health goals to set for myself in 2012.

One of my favorite things is petting a loving kitty.

A few plans for the rest of the week: go to the doctor, see my friend D, meet my friend K and her daughter S and S's friend for afternoon tea at Terry's Restaurant & Lounge in Carmel, and siimply enjoy the rest of my week off.

Check out the original Simple Woman's Daybook.

Hearth and Home | Merry Christmas 2011

A lovely quiet day here, just my husband, me, and the kitties, with phone calls and text messages from family, and a drop-in visit by a couple of friends.

Shortly the ham will go in the oven, I'll throw a salad together, mix up some couscous, and that will be dinner.

Dessert? A buche de noel from Trader Joe's.

As the Frank Capra film tells us, it is, indeed, a wonderful life, even if and when things look dark.  

Merry Christmas to all!

Hearth and Home | For today (December 22, 2011)

With thanks to Sparkly Jules for the format of this blog's entry, which comes from here:

Outside my window An unusually clement night for December in northern California – clear, crisp, and cold with no rain predicted.

I am thinking about how I have nothing planned for tomorrow except grocery shopping -- and about how good that feels, given my hectic schedule during the semester that’s just been put to bed.

I am thankful for second chances, my career, my husband, my kitties.

From the kitchen there is no action, save for a ploughman’s dinner of German pumpernickel bread and cheese.

I am wearing an old flannel nightgown, Christmas socks, and black UGG slippers.  Sexy (not).

I am creating an oasis of peace for myself and my husband in front of our Christmas tree in the living room.

I am going nowhere – at least, not tonight!

I am reading Paisley Swan Stewarts CHANSON DE L’ANGE, BOOK ONE: THE BLEEDING ROSE (“an epic retelling of THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA”) – the self-published version.  It’s not bad although it could use some proofreading!

I am hoping for rain next week.

I am hearing the music of The Beatles (my husband is watching a DVD documentary about them).

Around the house much needs to be cleaned.  Oh well. All the more reason to hire cleaners in the new year.

One of my favorite things is the internets.

A few plans for the rest of the week I refuse to make any!

Hearth and Home | A day in front of the Christmas tree

That's what today looks like for me -- it's a work day, but when I can spend it in the living room in front of a twinkling tree, tucked up with a warm blanket and my laptop, getting done what I need to get done and doing a load of laundry at the same time, then I'm okay with that.

Especially when there's coffee involved.

Grading is more or less entirely over: I just have to enter the term grades into the university's software program and press SEND tomorrow.  I'll enter those grades today.  Still waiting on a couple of stragglers -- not sure if they're gettting F's or incompletes.  Their actions over the next 24 hours will determine their fate.

I have RTP guidelines ("retention-tenure-promotion") to review and revise for our program by tomorrow. They'll directly affect my fate in another 5-6 years' time, so I have a vested interest in this task. And I have to rewrite my professional bio by tomorrow as well, which is hopelessly out of date.  I hate revising my own bio.  It's hard to write about yourself in the third person and your accomplishments without sounding like a total asshole. Nevertheless, the boss wants our bios, so our bios he will get.

Time to put the laundry in ...

Hearth and Home | Done with Christmas shopping

10 days before Christmas?  I'm done? That's a record for me.  I come from a family in which folks shopped right up to the last minute -- and I kind of hated that.  It gave a frantic quality to the whole experience. I'm much more mellow now.

Thank god for the internet and Amazon.  You can buy pretty much anything there now -- and I do. Aside from my husband, all my family live at a distance so I'd have to wrap, pack, and ship the gifts once I'd bought them anyway.  I much prefer letting the seller do that than running all over town to different places myelf to get it done.  Saves on gas, frustration, and time.  Time -- that commodity I have so little of these days.

I know people bemoan the going out of business of independent and even large-chain bookstores, in large part due to Amazon.  But Amazon has a business model that works.  It's fast, it's efficient, and for people like me, with NO time, it's ideal.

Now, give me a good second-hand bookstore, let me wander through it to my heart's content, and that makes me happy in a different way. I do regret their increasing scarcity.

Note to self: visit favorite used-bookstore over winter break.

Hearth and Home | The holidays approacheth

A (few) day(s) late and a dollar short, but here you go:

I spent the holiday at my sister's house in eastern Washington state, where we were eight friends and family gathered around the Thanksgiving table, and I'm so glad I went.  Delicious food, pleasant conversation, nice time for catching-up.

It was a rapid trip for me, as I left on Tuesday and returned on Friday -- both relatively light travel days, fortunately.  I worked (remotely) on Tuesday and Wednesday (thank god for laptops and wifi), and then hung it up pretty much until this morning.

Now I'm back in the harness again, prepping for classes and grading.

Fortunately for me, there are only two weeks of classes and official meetings left, and then I'm DONE with on-campus life for the semester.  Yes, there will be grading, but compared to the rest, that will be a joy. A fricking JOY, I tell you.

This Thursday I have a meeting with the dean and director during which I will tell them -- among other things -- that I'll be stepping down from my administrative position at the end of spring semester.  They won't be happy, but there you are.  I think next semester will go more easily for me because I know there is an end in sight.

Time to dress in sweats and settle down with grading.  I'm happily looking forward to next weekend, when I will take down our minimal Thanksgiving/autumnal decorations and shift into Christmas.  

These are the days of the year I like best, so I musn't lose sight of that in the craziness of my job.

Hearth and Home | No work today

It's somewhat ironic that it's Veterans Day and I, not a veteran, get the day off, while innumerable vets with other kinds of jobs (god willing) may have to work today.  Duly noted. 

I woke up to a couple of chilly emails from my least favorite colleagues, one of which was a downright rude one  from Frightmare Colleague 1 (FC1), and I thought, "Okay, not answering that, given its tone" (it infuriates her when I don't answer: she tells my boss I'm "unresponsive," "hostile" or "disrespectful" as a result).

And once I finish this post, I'm going to create a work email inbox where messages from my campus email address automatically go so that I can ignore them until Sunday night without even seeing who they're from in the first place.  

Because I don't need to deal with any of it for the next few days.

It's clouding up here and likely to rain (goody!), and I'm considering taking myself to J. Edgar, despite its mixed reviews.  Or Melancholia, if it's out yet (just checked ... it is).

The point is, I'm not going to work.  Over the weekend, yes. But not today.

Hearth and Home | Fall Back Sunday

Fall must be here because last night we turned back the clocks and it rained -- hard.  

I love fall and am totally ready for it. I used the extra hour this morning to sleep in because, as is so often true, I didn't sleep well last night. I woke up to overcast skies but no rain; however, I am hopeful. :)

What I'm not ready for is the deluge of holiday catalogues that keep coming in the mail.  I used to enjoy paging through them, but I have zero time these days and so they go directly into the recycling bin without a look.  Yes, even catalogues from my favorite sellers.  Sorry, guys. That's not how I choose to spend what little liesure time I have at the moment.

Nor is TV. That's more my husband's thing in the evenings, after he has spent the day practicing his music. I prefer settling down with a book.  Only thing is, until the past week or so, I haven't really had time for that, either. In the depths of my research/obsession around all things Phantom of the Opera right now, however, I'm managing to find time to read a couple of novels that position themselves as prequels or sequels to Gaston Leroux's (admittedly terrible) original.  See the ON THE BOOKSHELF sidebar on the right for titles. Because the reading doubles as research, I'm able to justify working it into my schedule.

Recently a friend from the east coast tried to schedule a last-minute breakfast with me; she hadn't told me she was going to be in the area in advance, and I told her I couldn't make it. My friends need to understand they have to work with me right now: I can stay in touch by email, occasionally by phone or Skype (I hate the phone, actually, but rather like Skype), and I can meet them if they let me know in advance -- but otherwise? It's not happening.  Fortunately, my close friends totally do get it.

Respect my time. That's my primary request to people right now. I don't have much of it.

Hearth and Home | Working from home

One of the things I really like about being a college professor is that I have the perfect blend of work among and with people and work to do by myself at home.  

Today is a work-at-home day. It looks as if it's going to be warm -- more like summer than fall, really, in the high 80s -- and I'm glad I can spend it in my study rather than on campus. Teaching and grading are my pleasant on-campus duties; it's all the other managerial stuff that comes up in the course of a day while I'm there that I'm still finding challenging.  There's a lot of putting out of fires that happens, a lot of multi-tasking.  I prefer to focus on one thing at a time, but nope: this administrative job is a zen exercise in how to juggle and switch energy on a dime, according to the issue that presents itself in any given moment. Three people cried on me in one day for very different reasons. Yup, zen exercise.

It's probably good for me. Certainly I'm learning new skills and how to deal with all kinds of people. 

Speaking of which, the FC1 situation continues, albeit in the background. FC1 didn't appear to be on campus this week (wonder what that's about?), which made life easier for absolutely everyone in the building. Yesterday I was interviewed by the associate dean on events from early September that triggered the most recent FC1 crisis. The wheels of the university move slowly, and I'm not sure where my friend and colleague's lawyer is at in preparing her materials to plonk down at its door. Frankly, I'm glad for the lull in drama, though.  I realize the matter is simmering just beneath the surface, not resolved, and it's going to burst into a full boil again -- but I can't live my life (not even my work life) in full crisis mode at all times.  Sometimes you just have to step back.

I'm continuing to channel my stress into old Phantom obsessions, this time focusing on its so-called-seuqel Love Never Dies, as I've already discussed. Yesterday, for yucks, I priced flights to Sydney (I have no desire to go to Australia otherwise) for January, where the show next opens.  Um ... no.  I'll continue to obsess from afar, thanksverymuch.

Hearth and Home | Friday thoughts

Missed a day of blogging already this month ... sigh.  My work schedule is fiercely busy these days, as I've said countless times, so I suppose it's understandable, but when I set myself a challenge (e.g. blogging every day for 31 days), I like to achieve it!

Ah well. At least for the month of October, I've just changed the challenge to "blogging as often as possible."  Zen lesson? Perfection isn't always possible or even the point; sometimes "good" is good enough.

I have a couple of meetings on campus today from 10:30 - 12:30 and then I can come home and work more or less peaceably from here.  Have to stop at the grocery store on my way home, though: horrors, we're out of cream for my coffee, and on a crisp fall afternoon, that will never do.

I have a couple of documents to draft for my director, grading to do this weekend, but I'm also going shopping for a new coffee table and a side table for our living room to go along with the new love seat that was delivered a coule of weeks ago.

Our downstairs bathroom remodel is finished and it turned out well: the room is too small to photograph with a point-and-shoot, but I'm happy with it. We need new towel racks and then the room will need to be repainted (white,as there's already a lot of warm-toned wood, granite, and faux-but-pretty title going on in there now). My husband has decided we should just go ahead and get the upstairs bathroom redone sooner rather than later, and so we'll wait until it's done and get the painting done in one fell swoop. I'm essentially going to pick out the same flooring, shower/bath, vanity, and counter for the upstairs bathroom as well, with possibly an extra storage unit ... but I may just go to Target for that last item.  Mix n' match expensive with thrifty, and no one knows the difference!

It feels as if we're cozying up for fall, and that feels good.

Finally, I'm checking air fares to my sister, because I think I'm going to spend Thanksgiving there (my husband will stay here to mind the kitties -- his preference). Expensive flights, of course, around a major holiday. Sigh. We'll see.

Hearth and Home | Welcome, October

It's October 1 (yay -- I love October!), and once again I've entered the NaBloPoMo challenge:  i.e., to blog every day for a month.  Not that hard, you say ... well, although I love blogging, it is for me because my work obligation are pretty intense these days.  But I've decided (for the umpteenth time) that blogging is a stress-reliever for me, and so it's worth it to me to make time for it in my day. I'll see how I do this month.

And on that topic of stress relief, I went in (virtual) search of a local yoga studio yesterday because I'd like to revisit yoga (I took an intro series of classes at a local studio a couple of years ago). Although I liked where I went before, I also wanted to try a new place, and I wanted some class options specifically geared toward either people with injuries or older folks.  

I found one place but it's pretty far away from me, and the thing is, if I have to travel far for my exercise or relaxation, I won't do it. Which is a pity, because this studo offers chair yoga and meditation classes.

Anyway, I bring this up because I realized after about an hour of searching online for a local studio with just the right combination of offerings for me, I was totally stressing out about it. Um, really?

Chill out. This is yoga. You don't have to get it perfect, you just have to challenge yourself to walk into a studio and do your best.  So one studio turns out not be the right choice for you? You can move on.

I'm going to return to my internet search today, check out the site for a place relatively near me,just go to a beginner's class (perhaps sometime this weekend, depending on the studio's schedule), and take it from there.

I'm also firing up my home elliptical again: time to relieve some stress through concentrated aerobic activity.  Good for weight-loss, too, which I wouldn't mind, although it's not a specific goal of mine right now. I just want to get healthier in other ways.

As for the rest of my weekend? Grading today, mostly, and then socializing tomorrow: movies with D tomorrow and drinks with E and her mother tomorrow evening.

Hearth and Home | Welcome, fall!

Autumn has arrived, and as if to prove it, we had a few brief minutes of hard rain in the middle of last night that woke me up and reminded me that my favorite season is here.

I live in an area of California where seasonal differences are relatively sublte, compared to other regions of the country, or even the state.  But there's a certain quality to autumnal light, especially in the afternoons, that I love. Gradually the temps are dropping, the days are getting shorter, and soon I'll be able to pull out my boots and sweaters and layers.  Love all of that.

Then, too, there are all the holidays, starting with Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur (no, I'm not Jewish, but after living in Los Angeles for 10 years near the Fairfax district, I incorporated an awareness of them into my holiday lexicon) and ending with the secular new year.

I'm a dork: I change my computer wallpaper and screensavers with each holiday.  I don't radically decorate our house but beginning now, I do start putting out certain items that acknowledge the season and the holidays:  first it will be an autumnal door wreath, then some Halloween-themed candles here and there ... that sort of thing,

Acknowledging fall and each successive holiday grounds me in the larger context of my life and keeps me from obsessing on work-related matters (don't even ask: the situation with FC1 develops new twists and turns almost every day ... there's a university investigation going on, which is about all i'm willing to say at the moment).

Bottom line: fall is good for my mental health.

Home and Hearth | New love seat

Among Venice, yesterday's car repair, and today's purchase of a new piece of furniture to replace the brown 1930s couch in our living toom (which I love and bought for $75 from a former housemate but which is falling apart and soaked in cat piss), I can now wave goodbye to the last of my summer school salary.

It was nice while it lasted.

 
The showroom picture, above, displays a full set of furniture in question. I don't like matching sets of furniture at all, however, so I picked only the love seat. Personally, I would have preferred the couch, which is also a fold-out bed, but my husband wants more space in the living room, and we don't entertain much, so ... okay.

The fabric is a poppy-colored ticking pattern. The decorative pillows apparently come with it (and will be instantly banished to the sun porch -- I already have tapesty, jewel-toned pillows I prefer much more).

Scotch-Guarded for free, plus I purchased a furniture-cleaning policy that includes pet stains, good for five years. If they can't remove the stain, they buy us a new love seat.  The love seat and the policy were 20% off retail.

It's being delivered a week from tomorrow.

Hearth and Home | 9/11 ten years later

Hearth and Home | Mental health day

It's Sunday, and I finally have a chance to catch my breath from the past week of on-campus moves, detailed in previous posts.  Although there are still remaining details to address, I can now turn my attention to other things.

And just the fact that I can do that -- focus on other kinds of work -- feels like a break to me!  That, and the fact that, for today at least, I can do that work from home.

So what's on the docket for today?

• Prep for one of the courses I'm teaching this semester
• Prep for a meeting with our school's director tomorrow
• Reading for a book review that's due to BlogHer by August 17
• Shopping for groceries

On other fronts, my husband and I have just about decided on a bathroom remodeler, though I have some follow-up questions for the outfit that I think we're going to go with that I'll deal with tomorrow.  Once we sign with it, it'll still take five to six weeks to order materials, but the new bathroom ought to be done well in time for Christmas. That'll be nice.

I've allowed myself to become distracted from Nutrisystem efforts, I'm afraid, though I still have an entire month's supply of food that I'm going to start using once school starts during the week of August 22.  I'd wanted to lose 15 pounds during the summer, and in reality, it's been more like eight.

On the other hand, that's not bad for not even trying half the summer!  That's also the advantage of having had the duodenal switch, of course: you modify your intake even a little, five and a half years after surgery,  and the weight comes off easily. Clothes are fitting better, compliments are coming in. All in all, I'm feeling optimistic and comfortable in my skin. 

The fun part? I know that when I go to Venice from September 2-9, I'll be walking so much that I'll be able to eat pasta and lose weight at the same time, as I did last fall.  How fabulous is that?! 

Ohmygod, I'm going to Venice in three weeks!

Finally, this morning I had time at last to open my writing instructor's feedback to the memoir exercise I wrote a couple of weeks ago (instructor and students are both falling behind in commenting on and submitting assignments), and it was positive. More than positive. The woman told me mine was the best of the batch, and she seems finally to understand that what I write is literary nonfiction, not chick-lit style narrative.  Mind you, I like chick-lit narrative; it's just not what I produce.

So now I have to find some time to whip out another exercise or two.  Mmmm, maybe the middle of the night?

Hearth and Home | Juggling

I've got a pot of coffee brewing in the kitchen, a to-do list in front of me, and I'm strategizing my calendar for the week. The new school year and semester haven't begun yet, but my work for them has, and so I'm doing my best to take care of various home-related projects from the summer and gear up for new challenges on the university front.

It's all kind of making my head spin.

With some work-related emails out of the way, I'm now turning my attention to our bathroom remodel today, the arrangements for which still need to be nailed down. Right now I'm still researching and getting bids. Today? I'm hitting Home Depot and possibly Lowe's.

Some people might enjoy the planning process.  Me? I do not. I just want to get this mother-puppy done.

Hearth and Home | Bathroom remodel update

As I mentioned the other day, we're about to redo our bathrooms.

On Tuesday Re-Bath sent a designer to our house, complete with showcase materials, and I picked out exactly what I wanted in the way of bath and shower, vanity, sink, flooring, and storage (we're starting with the ground floor guest bathroom, as that's the one that folks see most often). "This won't be cheap," the designer warned me. Re-Bath specializes in bathroom rehabs, does everything in-house, and is known for its rapid turn-around time.

Her bid arrived by email later that afternoon with prices broken down. Um, she wasn't kidding: it wasn't cheap!  However, I saw that we might have some wiggle room with the storage unit and shower because those were the two most expensive elements. "How can we reduce costs?" I inquired, also by email. She got back to me, and sure enough, the price came down significantly.

So tomorrow we'll talk and discuss those options further. Her second price apparently falls within our budget (according to my husband), but it's still a lot of money. If we can reduce the price further, I'd like to, and I'd also like to get a couple of other bids. I'm thinking she should be able to guarantee whatever prices we're quoted for 30 days while I continue to look around.  

Also, I'm wondering if it would pay to get a bid on our second bathroom at the same time. If we go for two bathrooms with Re-Bath, can they cut us a better deal? Only frankly, I don't think we can afford to remodel two bathrooms at once.  That kind of bargaining pays off sometimes, but I've never found myself in a financial position to be able to operate that way, alas.

We'll see.

Hearth and Home | Wardrobe/Armoire

Since the bathroom remodeling showroom my husband and I want to visit ended up being closed today, we went on a hunt for the perfect wardrobe.

Well, maybe not perfect, but serviceable, not too expensive, and reasonably attractive. My husband's hobby materials have completely taken over the closet in the guest room, and guests have no where to hang their clothes.

This has been true for some time now, but my colleague K spent the night last week and only after she left did we realize she didn't really have anywhere to hang her suit. I think she tried to hang it on a hook in the bathroom. Our bad.  

I mean, really.  Couldn't I have offered to hang up the suit in the front coat closet or something? I didn't. And while I'm on the topic of hosting failure, we also ordered an eggplant dish for her from an Italian delivery place, only to discover once it was here that it was riddled with meat. You guessed it: she's vegetarian. 0-2.

We seem to have been having more house guests than usual recently, and the lack of a place to hang a suit was what I think pushed my husband over the edge into shopping. This afternoon, after looking at one place for wardrobes, we decided to go with an armoire we saw online:

It suits the guest room, is solid wood (albeit pine), and my husband will finish it himself (he's actually finishes furniture beautifully). 

Let's hope it arrives in one piece, undamaged.

Home and Hearth | Bathroom remodels

 

If ever a house were due for a bathroom remodel, it's ours. And -- thankyoubabyJesus -- we're finally getting around to redoing the two bathrooms in our early 1970s suburban tract house (not my first choice of a place to live, but hey, it's entirely paid for, and in California, that's entirely unusual). We aren't doing a structural remodel, but we are, indeed, gutting what's there and starting over.

The bathrooms haven't been touched since the house's original owners decided to go for really cheap fixtures, faux-marble countertops, and mass-produced vanities that are suposed to look af they were built by a master woodworker and were anything but. Think sheaves of wheat stamped into plywood with a dark finish.

Yeah, I know.

We're starting with the downstairs guest bathroom which is absolutely tiny and therefore something of a challenge. I want to rip out the tub which has never been used in the 11 years I've lived here and put in a step-in shower, freeing up a little space for storage. And that's just for starters.

Before we start running around to different places for different parts and services, we're going to check out Re-Bath. A member of the Better Business Bureau, Diamond-certified, it seems like a good possibility, but we won't really know until we visit the showroom today. I think it might be a viable solution for the guest bathroom. Upstairs, however, I might want to do something less prefab and more tailored.  

But we'll see.

Later: Really?  This place isn't open on weekends? What other times do working people have to devote to bathroom remodeling, I ask you? How peculiar.  We'll try again tomorrow.

Hearth and Home | Wedding anniversary

Not only do my husband and I both have trouble remembering the date of our anniversary every year (today), we also have difficulty remembering how many years we've been married (nine). His second marriage, after some 20+ years of being single, my first. No children but a family of I-won't-say-how-many kitties.

We've been together for 11 years.

How are we celebrating today? By going out to a fabulous Italian lunch at Vito's New York Trattoria.

I intend to indulge and have exactly what I want. Its menu is delicious. But I usually end up having the same entree each time, a riff on a carbonara pasta.

I know. It's not exactly weight-loss-friendly. But it's so worth it.

Hearth and Home | Because sometimes you just need pretty toes

Hearth and Home | I am not feeling the love

Chalk it up to PMS.  Or perimenopause. Or summer doldrums (when my schedule is less structured, I have a harder time emotionally) ... but I am not feeling the love from some friends.

No, not you ... or you ... or you.  If you're reading this, this isn't about you, it's about me (I say, solipsistically).

As I have noted elsewhere, in general I have fabulous friends. I really do. Specifically, I have fabulous women friends in particular, and I always have had since my college days. 

But what I've been noticing over the last few months is that I also have co-created a dynamic in certain friendships that involves my giving more than I'm getting -- by which I mean emotional energy and attention.

I recognize that this is an old pattern from way back and I'm pretty sure it has to do with my much, much younger self sensing that attention of any kind was usually A Bad Idea and Unsafe. That, in conjunction with self-esteem that couldn't even be charted it was so low, meant that in some friendships I was more comfortable with time, energy, and attention deflected away from me and toward the friend.

It wasn't the friend's (or friends') fault. I actively constructed and participated in this dynamic, and together we would perpetuate it.  This meant that I often hung out with folks who were interesting and dynamic, but also who were narcissists and drama queens. This went on for decades. I was The Supportive Friend.

I got tired of that in my mid-30s.  (I know, I know -- but better late than never.) By that point in my life, I'd worked through a lot of my own issues, improved my self-esteem, and I ditched some friendships that had become pretty dysfunctional. In at least one case, I wasn't kind in how I extricated myself, but it had to be done.

But old habits die hard, and when I'm tired or vulnerable or not feeling vigilant, I can slip back into that mode where I'm the one giving and not the one getting a whole lot. Now, I'm not talking about the normal give-and-take of healthy friendships where folks take turns giving and getting support as our lives each require. There will be times when each of us is needier than others, and that's okay, and I'm happy to be there when such times arise, as my good friends are there for me.

No, I'm talking about other kinds of issues.  Friends who vanish during their own good times and don't keep in touch except when problems arise.  Or friends who talk, talk, talk to you about what's going on in their lives without asking much about yours. Or old friends who simply aren't there any longer.

That last category is a tricky one because if you make it to a certain point in life, the elements that originally brought you together as friends may have changed over time, and sometimes the degree of change on both sides is sufficiently profound that the friendship simply fades away.  It doesn't always happen, but it does sometimes, and I guess I'm mourning one or two of those right now as well. In these kinds of relationships, there is no blame, really ... it's just part of the ebb and flow of life, I think.  But one can still be sad from time to time and miss what was once there.

For whatever reason, I'm feeling all of these things rather keenly these days.  Sure hope I snap out of it soon.

Home and hearth | Got grapes?

We do, thanks to my husband.

They're ripening on the vine and should be purple and delicious in another month and a half.

Hearth and Home | Easy summer day

It's a beautiful warm (but not too warm) day today, and I intend to enjoy it. I've answered the morning crop of email, posted to the boards I post to, perused Facebook and Twitter, and had breakfast (yes, a Nutrisystem breakfast of cereal, nf milk, and fresh strawberries).

All in all, a good start to the day.

Next: shower, dress, and walk instead of drive to the store to pick up a few items I forgot to get yesterday. That's called killing two birds with one stone (i.e., doing errands while getting in a little exercise). 

Then it's home to work on a proposal for Venice.  I'm making too big a deal out of the proposal: I just need it to be a 1-2 page document that I can hand the dean and the chair on the off chance that they'll give me some money for the project and to explain where I'll be the first week of September.

I'd like to finish that today.

Hearth and Home | T and T's commitment ceremony

Today is Father's Day -- not my favorite holiday, as my own father was a frightmare and my husband and I don't have children -- but I'm sending a shout out to all men who have filled the role of dad, mentor, and caregiver in anyone's life and done so with love.

For me, today's all about love of another kind as I head up to San Francisco to join my friends T and T in a commitment ceremony to honor their marriage of a few years ago.  T is the friend who introduced me to SGI Nichiren Buddhism (yes, I still practice but alone or with T and T, not in a group; I decided the whole group aspect of SGI was a little too much togetherness for me).  T and T were lucky enough to marry during the brief window of opportunity for legal same-sex marriage in San Franciso, and their delayed celebration is taking plavce at the SGI center in San Francisco this morning.

From there guests go to Greens, a well-known vegetarian restaurant in Fort Mason, and I'll be ferrying four of T's relatives from the ceremony to that reception. I'm a bit nervous driving in San Francisco when I don't know exactly how to get where I'm going, but hey, that's why there are directions. 

And I'm also a little nervous about how I'll deal with food at the reception. My first couple of days on Nutrisystem have produced scale movement in the right direction, and I don't want to blow that. I'm eating breakfast before I leave, I'll take along a NS lunch bar, and my feeling is, if I can look for the simplest items -- roasted vegetables and so forth -- I should be okay.  That's my plan, anyway, and I always do best when I have a plan.  

The other part of my plan is to arrive about an hour early at the center, before the ceremony begins, and get in a walk around the neighborhood, trusty pedometer discreetly clipped on to the waistband of my skirt, beneath my top. Because otherwise I don't see much opportunity for activity today, and I'm pretty sure my walking has played a role in a first successful couple of days on NS.

Time to get moving ...

Travel Bug | Minute road trip

Okay, so most folks wouldn't call driving only an hour and 40 minutes south of them much of a road trip.

That's what I'm doing today (to go to my friend K's party for her daughter, who's just graduated from high school). But see, what makes it a road trip is that on the way back I've decided to stop at a motel and spend the night.

The motel will be only 40 minutes from home, so it's all kinds of ridiculous on one level.  Why not just go back and spend the night in the comfort of my own bed with my husband and kitties?  On another level, however, it makes sense: I want a relatively inexpensive way of marking the break between the school year and my planned summer of writing. Putting myself into a totally anonymous space for 24 hours where I can start writing TONIGHT will help me do that.  

Obviously the head space is more important than physical locale (or else I might invest a little more time and money and plan at least a weekend getaway). But as I've written before, this is the sort of thing I used to do when I needed a break from life as a graduate student but couldn't afford a real hiatus, and so it's a familiar and comforting routine for me with pleasant associations.

At a motel you don't have to hang up the towels immediately; you can lounge in bed and watch TV; you can eat junk food; you can read a trash novel. You can check your real life at the door and zone out. You can play on your laptop if your motel has wifi (apparently it does, for a "nominal" fee).You can do exactly what you want, freed of the normal obligations of everyday life. No dishes, no garbage, no feeding the cats.

You get the idea.

Either today or tomorrow, depending on timing, I'm also going to check out two or three places along the way that I've either stopped at before or always intended to but never had the chance: two small towns and an outlet mall.

Simple pleasures! 

Hearth and Home | More trapping of ferals

The kitties on the left are unfixed feral males, brothers and the children of the newly spayed feral female on the righi.

it's the boys' turns next, one at a time.

Hearth and Home | In the garden

My husband is the gardener in our family. If we have anything green or growing in the back yard, it's because Nature has been allowed to run riot back there and because my husband occasionally intervenes -- but not in the manner of traditional backyard planters.

I admire the clean, organized vegetable patches and raised beds of two friends in particular, one in southern California and one in the northern part of the state. They raise beautiful produce, and their yards look wonderful while they're doing it.

My husband's approach?  Less organized, at least to my mind.  He mixes all manner of plants in with each other, as you can see below from this picture shot early this morning:

How many different kinds of plants can you identify? Yes, that's a tiny grape arbor you see in the background, and yes, corn is mixed in with tomatoes in the foreground.  Um, okay.
 
On the other hand, he's strangely successful at growing what he chooses to grow, either beginning with starter plants from the nursery (as in the case of the tomatoes, for example) or in growing things from seed in our greenhouse before transplanting them to a raised bed. We always have way more than we need or can use. I generally take the overage into campus to give away or sometimes to Second Harvest Food Bank.

The photo shows you only a small portion of our (wild) yard. It's not one in which we sit and relax. For the summer months, at least, it's a wild kind of producing piece of property in the midst of the suburbs.

Hearth and Home | Mama kitty caught!

Thank heaven for small miracles.  My husband fixed the humane trap, our female feral and recent new mama stepped into it this morning, and I've whisked her off to a county facility that will spay her, notch her ear, and give her two shots for $25.

Pick-up  time has yet to be determined, and she'll probably need to stay in a cage in our garage for a night or two to recover before we can release her again.  But we can work that out.

Makes me feel better.

Update: I picked her up at 6 p.m. and she's now recovering in aformentioned cage in our garage.  Poor little thing.  No food tonight, just water.  She'll probably be in some pain as she comes out of anaesthetic, but I just keep thinking, "You do the best you can, with what you have, where you are." Ultimately she'll have a longer, better life as a result of this, and the world will have fewer unwanted kitties in it.

Hearth and Home | Trap/neuter-spay/release redux

You wait a month and it's a month too long.  Lesson learned.  Shame on us.

This morning my husband found two kittens in our back-yard greenhouse, where their mama -- a feral cat who hangs out in our back yard and whom we have not yet trapped and taken in to be spayed -- had taken them for safety.  Two tiny tabbies, eyes open but probably no more than three weeks old. This is how we found out for certain that, yes, the female feral had been pregnant, and no, she's not pregnant any longer!

A month ago we'd unearthed our humane trap to capture her (and her two sons, who are now grown up), but the trigger on the door wasn't working, and -- we delayed.  To be precise, my husband delayed. For reasons I don't fully understand (because he's a handy guy and could easily have repaired the trap with a little effort), he kept putting off fixing it.

I'd called ahead to the clinic, learned what we had to do to schedule a spay/neuter appointment for a feral, determined costs, printed out directions (they're still sitting on the front table), and indicated times on my work schedule for my husband so that we could pick and choose our target days for trying to capture any of the three cats in our yard that need spaying or neutering. 

But whatever.  We're jointly responsible, and now there are two more kitties in a world already overpopulated with unwanted cats. As I said, shame on us.

The good news is, these little kittens are young enough to be fostered out, socialized, and adopted.  My husband and I took turns holding them in our laps as I made a call to the local SPCA, and within an hour and a half I'd taken the kittens there and surrendered them.  It's a beautiful no-kill facility for adoptable animals, and these little ones will be okay.  They were frightened but not yet feral, and they were absolutely adorable.

I wrote a check as a donation, came home -- and I do believe my husband now realizes that, come Monday, it's time to try a litle harder with that trap.

This was not our finest hour.

Hearth and Home | Comfort corner

In light of my earlier post today, I give you ... Comfort Corner.

Really it should be called comfort shelf because I've placed these items in a bookcase in my study next to a comfy loveseat with pillows, throws, and an antique lamp where I do a lot of my reading for pleasure.

The point of it is to create a tiny space of reassurance for myself where I can come when I wake in the middle of the night so that, if I feel so inclined, I can find something reasonably healthy to nibble on. The idea is to limit calories, satisfy an urge to comfort-eat if I can't move beyond the urge at that hour, and still feel good about myself afterward.

The kitchen poses too many options if I head there immediately.

But my study? It's the first place I come anyway.  And there, on the shelf pictured above, I will see a collection of individual portions of nuts, some yogurt-covered pretzels (in case I want a sweet/salty fix, dontcha know), and some protein bars in a lovely blue ceramic bowl I bought at a local art fair. Nothing's more than 100 calories, and I get to pick whatever item I like. One. 

And have a cup of something warm if I wish.  Soothing.  On the plate are some packages of sugar-free hot chocolate. Next to the plate is my little teapot, swathed in a beautiful tea cozy.

None of these items will do much damage.

Now, for hot chocolate (or tea), obviously I'll have to head to the kitchen to heat a kettle of water -- so the plate and the teapot are on the shelf in my study more as a reminder, a visual pause, that will allow me a moment to get centered, find my bearings, before I enter the wilderness of the kitchen.

I may decorate the shelf a little more with some non-food items, just to domesticate this tiny oasis a little further -- but my study as a whole is pretty damn cozy already, so that part is optional.

I'm eager to see how this plan works out.

Watch ... now I won't wake up in the middle of the night or want to comfort-eat for a while. (On second thought, I should be so lucky!)

Home and hearth | Mothers Day

I'm not a mother, and my own mother -- with whom I did not get along -- died in 1987 when I was 26. I have thought about and missed her literally every day of the past 24 years.  I guess she made an impact on me, eh?

I now realize that my mother and I are actually very much alike, though while she was alive I would have resented being told that. For the past 15 years or so, however, I have chosen to remember the good things about her -- and really, there were so many of them.  She was smart, funnier than shit, an excellent writer, a good friend to others, and open-minded. She also loved me, as well as she was able.

But my mother was (I have come to realize) weak. It's understandable in some ways: she never felt as if she had lived up to her beloved father's high expectations for her (the man was an asshole, I've concluded, though he died long before I was born), and her mother loved her younger sister more. My mother went on to marry a man whom she thought was eccentric, like her alcoholic father, but who turned out to be a sociopath -- and also alcoholic.  Brilliant (literally -- he tested off the charts and went to Harvard when he was 15) but very, very nuts.

And (here's my beef with my mother) she never left my father. Instead, she drank her way into the 1950s and throughout my older sibling's childhoods, leaving them to tumble up as best they could.  That left scars on all three of them, big-time.  By the time I was three, she had sobered up and stayed that way -- a major achievement, I give her that -- but my sociopathic father decompensated and became a complete terror -- and she still never left him. 

Because?  So many becauses.  Yes, she was emotionally and physically abused. Thanks to her own parents, who did not abuse her, per se, but who created deep insecurities, she was vulnerable to such abuse. God knows, after years and years of therapy, I understand that.

But even more vulnerable than my mother?  Her children, whom she was absolutely duty-bound to protect. And ... she did not.  She drank away her own misery, created more, and then, even when she became sober, stayed with a man who turned to sadistic sexual abuse of her youngest child (that would be me).

Weak.

My mother's ultimate failure as a parent absolutely informed my own choice not to have children. I could see how she'd been damaged by her own parents, how she passed some of that along to her kids, and pretty early in my life, before I could even shape it into words, I thought, "The buck stops here.  No matter what, I will not reproduce the familial damage that my siblings and I sustained." I was not going to run the risk of being weak and having it damage a future generation, as my mother had. There simply wouldn't be a future generation.

And so, mostly for that reason, I didn't reproduce at all. A more viable option for a woman of my generation than my mother's, of course, but to this day I consider it the most responsible choice I could have made. I might have been a better mother than my own mother (in fact, if I had been who I am now during child-bearing years and if I had been married during those years, I might have reconsidered -- but under the circumstances, it was absolutely the right choice for me). 

I no longer villify my mother (to see someone's faults clearly is not to villify them) because, in fact, she was not a villain. That role in the family melodrama belongs to my father.  My mother was a victim, and she was weak, and because she had children, there was a great deal of collateral damage from that.

But as I said, my mother and I are very similar in many ways.  In the good ways, I hope, which are, after all, her gifts to me, and also, admittedly, in some of the negative ways.  I hope I'm a stronger person than my mother was. Nevertheless, because I, too, have my own insecurities and weaknesses, I have a little more compassion for my mother now than when I was younger. Age will sometimes do that for you.

And so, on this Mothers Day, I'm able to remember my mother not simply as a victim or as weak, but as a complex woman with her own story that I will never be able to fully know or to tell.

I'm meeting a friend D and his wife M for brunch today; they're about 10 years younger than I and they have a little boy. We're going out not to celebrate Mothers Day but rather my 50th birthday which occurred in January (okay, so that was five months ago ... it took us a while to get around to it).

But whether or not we're officially celebrating Mothers Day, I have no doubt that we'll remember our mothers, lift a glass to M (who looks to be a pretty terrific parent), and once again I'll realize it anew ... 

I miss my mother daily and loved her very much. 

Hearth and Home | Revamping my study

Although I usually save neatening up and making any changes to my home study until after the semester is over and all hell has broken loose -- read: when it really needs a complete overhaul anyway -- I have to face up to a few changes today.

It's not that I don't have other things to do.  I have a set of exercises to grade that are overdue, memos to write, errands to run, and a couple of fun activities planned for the weekend, work permitting.

But I have a set of floor-to-ceiling bookshelves that cover one wall of my study, and one of the units needs to be moved in order to fix an electrical problem that's affecting the lighting in the room.  This, in turn, affects my ability to work in the room past a certain point in the day.  I'm about to start pulling some long hours, so I can't have that. The problem has to be fixed now, and once the unit is moved, my husband can do that.  

In order to move it, I have to empty the unit of its contents. Once I do that, I probably need to sort through the contents, which are mostly old videotapes.  I'm either boxing them up or giving them to the Good Will.  And realistically speaking?  It should be the latter.  Once they're in boxes, I'll really never watch them again. 

If I'm doing that much today, then I'll be rearranging the contents of the bookshelves generally, once the electrical problem is fixed.  And if I do that, then maybe I should go through my study closet as well, because it needs an overhaul as well.

See how my thinking snowballs?

This is probably a zen exercise.  No snowballing allowed.  Stay focused. Do what I need to do for a productive work environment now, and leave the rest until the semester is over.

Uh huh. All righty then.  We'll see how I do ...

Later:  Uh, that electrical "problem" behind the bookcase?  The light switch simply wasn't turned on so that power would flow to the outlet.  Naturally we discovered this after I'd removed everything from the bookcase.

Nice.

Extraordinarily typical of me, I must admit.  My husband just looked at me and then started to crack up.