WordFlix

Ivory Tower | Exhausted!

First day back on the job. Just saying.

Ivory Tower | New semester approaches

It was bound to happen sooner or later:  winter break is almost over, and a new semester begins on Tuesday.

Because I have a two-course release for my administrative work this year and a third course release this semester via a grant to write a book proposal and go to a conference in Boston in March, I have only one class to prepare for the spring.  (A full teaching load at my university is four courses -- demented, I know.)

That's the good news. As is the fact that I've taught this course for 10 years, change things up a bit every now and then, but am familiar enough with the class that prep is not difficult.  And the fact that, while classes do start this upcoming week, I don't actually meet my class for the first time until a week from tomorrow.

The bad news is that I've done zero prep for the course yet. Mostly it consists of updating the syllabus, making some decisions about any new films to include, and then putting up the relevant course materials online.  Because the university's online learning management system is clunky at the back end, this is always more time-consuming than it ought to be.

So I'll rev the syllabus today and begin the process of updating materials online. I'd like to have everything ready to go by Wednesday, when classes officially start at the university, even though I don't meet my class for the first time until the following Monday. I'll just feel more organized.

Because I don't have a lot of teaching duties this semester, I'm somewhat uncertain about how to arrange my weekly schedule -- office hours and so forth.  I'm kind of thinking of a mostly Monday-through-Wednesday stint on campus with office hours scheduled for both classes and administrative duties, and Thursdays and Fridays for my own work at home (an always-fluctuating meeting schedule permitting).

Time to go stare at a calendar and see if that will work.

Ivory Tower | Can a buddha live within the Ivory Tower?

SGI Nichiren Buddhism teaches that we all have the buddha within us. My question is, how to access my buddha-hood while working a crazy-wild job?

Well, that's the question for everyone, really: how do we live up to and within our best selves despite our outer circumstances and the hustle, bustle, and challenges of everyday life?

Given my recent mind-bending experience with a diagnosis of melanoma (thankfully still "in situ," if preliminary tests are to be trusted) and my sudden, visceral awareness of the importance of living in the present, a kind reader suggested that I read Eckhart Tolle's The Power of Now. It arrived yesterday, and I've read a few of its introductory chapters. It's not a book to be rushed through. I don't know if I'll like it, but one thing's certain: it's timely reading for me at the moment.

Tomorrow my friend K will take me to the dermatologist's office where 1) I will receive a full body scan to search for additional signs of skin cancer, melanoma as well as basal and squamous cell (there are numerous problematic spots already identified), and 2) the one melanoma that has been identified will be surgically removed. I told K that there was no need for her to take me and that I'd be fine, but she seems to want to go, and you know what? Why not take a dear friend up on her offer? I can do it on my own, but I don't have to: my husband, K, and my friend D all offered to go, and K's the lucky winner (ahem).

All of this emphasis on health and the present is helping me staying mindful of my renewed efforts to work the Weight Watchers program right now. An initial encouraging loss of 4.6 pounds was great, but knowing that I can still work the program successfully following a dance with chocolate helps even more.

It's empowering to work toward being the best that you can be.  Not THE BEST, period, if there even is such a thing -- there's always going to be somebody better according to whatever external yardstick you choose -- but the best that you yourself are capable of achieving and sustaining over time. 

Travel Bug | Boston and New York in March 2012

I'm excited: I just got an email today from a cousin (really, my first cousin once removed --> a first cousin's daughter), confirming that there's room for me to stay in at the family house in New York in March when I travel east, first to Boston for a conference.

I'll be in Boston for four days. For the first time in my conference-going life, it will not be to deliver a paper or presentation but rather to push a book proposal -- which I've been given a course release by my university to write during the spring semester.  The semester lasts from late January to mid-May -- but given the upcoming conference in March, I'll need to crank it out in the first two months of the term.  The conference in question is the main annual meeting of my professional organization -- kind of like MLA for folks in languages and literature -- and it hosts an unofficial market for academic presses and publishers.  I'll need to contact the reps in advance and line up appointments, and I'll need to pitch the proposal just right.  My goal?  To get a publishing contract out of this conference. That's my sole reason for going. Fortunately, part of the grant I won that allows me a course release also gives me some travel money to go to the Boston conference. Yay!

At least I won't have to write a paper, have it scheduled for a terrible time slot at the conference, and worry about all of that.  In my 25 years of going to this conference on a semi-regular basis, this will be my first time not having to stress over such issues.  That part's good. I'll just stress over other matters.

I have all manner of anxieties about writing and pitching the book proposal once I'm in Boston, but what I'm telling myself right now is, I'm at least as smart, capable, intelligent, and good a writer as endless others who have published academic books -- and then some.  If they can land a contract, so can I. Period.  Yes, I know the market for monographs has narrowed and become more difficult to enter. However, people do it all the time. A monograph is still the litmus test of academic legitimacy.  And I'll pass it.  

Anyway, once I knew I was headed to Boston, I thought As long as I'm on the east coast, why not head down to New York?  I'm in the east very infrequently these days, but the house that my father grew up in in Forest Hills (Queens) is still in the family, and regardless of who's in residence, they keep a room free for visitors, with family getting priority.  Bottom line? There's room at the inn!  Yay again.

I can't recall the last time I was in New York City, except that I think it was when the same conference was held there, well over a decade ago. My plans?  Well, I'm writing an article on Phantom of the Opera and I have a connection to someone who can guarantee me orchestra seats, so I'll take that in (for the 14th time ... I know, I know -- I'm obsessed).  I'm thinking I'll spring for one other show (not necessarily at premium price, however), and I'd like to go to Sardi's (in all my trips to New York, I've never been there).  The Metropolitan Museum of Art is a must (it's been decades). Okay, and maybe to the New York Public Library (ditto).

That's pretty much going to have to be it, aside from what I absorb simply walking, walking, walking. I've learned that in surgical-strike trips to well-known cities (the only kind I ever seem to make), you have to target a few things and not give in to the temptation to try to Do It All. The latter is impossible.

Fortunately, the week during which I'll be at the conference is followed by a week of spring break. Before I realized this, I had the crazy thought of zipping down and back to New York from Boston in order to take in POTO, but then when I checked a calendar, I realized I could actually go to New York after Boston and stay a few days.  My plan is to be gone a total of a week ... four nights in Boston, three nights in New York.  I'll see plenty of long-time friends and colleagues at the conference, and I'll see extended family and perhaps a friend or two in New York.  I'm looking forward to the trip.

And now for the fun part:  researching flights!

Ivory Tower | Hallelujah!

Grading for the semester is basically DONE!  I put in a focused, marathon day yesterday, managed to work through 30 papers (that's a record for me in one day, I have to say). This means that, with the exception of a few stray papers and stragglers, I'm done with grading.

It doesn't mean I'm done with the semester yet, however: I've got term grades to calculate and ponder, a few minor reports to write, still several meetings to atend (two of them later this afternoon), and on into next week. 

I'll consider myself officially finished with the semester come Wednesdsay -- but for now I'm experiencing a profound sense of relief!

Ivory Tower | I'm such a mess

First let me say that, given how I've neglected this blog in recent months, I can't believe I have any readers left at all. You're a shy but loyal group -- I appreciate your readership more than I can say.

Second, it's the end of the semester and so, like all academics everywhere, I'm swamped.  The usual. Papers, exams, grading, students melting down.  And, given my admin/management role this year, faculty and staff melting down as well, which I'm obliged to deal with. After a semester doing this, I've concluded that I'm probably pretty good it, but that's an entirely different kettle of fish from whether I enjoy it. I. Do. Not.

Funny thing, though: my boss's secretary told me today that he'd broken the news to his staff that I would be stepping down from my admin position in spring at the end of the academic year, and apparently they were really sad -- they like me.  Better than my longer-term counterpart, apparently, who's held her position for some time now. And suddenly I felt a pang:  Am I doing the right thing?  Maybe I like the job!  Or maybe I just like the ego boost it gives, as much as I'm embarrassed to admit it.  I guess I do, a little.  But no, that's not reason enough to hang on to a position that makes me batshit and that does not give me more money.

My near-term goal, which I think I'll meet, is to finish the grading of student work by the end of this week. Semester grades aren't due until Wednesday of next week, which is fine: there are a lot of calculations and details to attend to between finishing grading the work and entering term grades, but I'd really like the grading of assignments to be over with by the end of Friday.  I have a few meetings and campus obligations between now and then, so it'll be a challenge, but I think I can make it. 

Amidst the insanity of end-of-term grading and the approaching holidays (which I love -- the holidays, I mean, not the grading), I've had good news: apparently I won the mid-career mini-grant I applied for earlier this fall. I have yet to receive the official letter (I requested both a course release to write a book proposal and money to go to a conference in March to sell it at), so I'm not sure what portion of my request I've been granted (the committee can and often does make partial awards).  I should find out sometime this week, though.  Bottom line: this is good news.

I've applied for a couple of jobs at other universities, just to test the waters.  It's a little early, really: I'm not going to be genuinely competitive until I have a book published.  But you never know. It's kind of like the motto for the California State Lottery:  you can't win if you don't play.

Ivory Tower | Counting down to the holidays

It's the last week of classes and scheduled meetings, which means that I'm ready to start counting down to the holidays.  Come Friday, when teaching and meetings are essentially over, I start that countdown clock!

True, I'll have a couple of weeks grading ahead of me before I'm officially done with the semester, but that's okay. That can be work I do from home, without all the angst and drama during the regular term.

I can't wait.

Ivory Tower | Standing up, stepping down

ThankyoubabyJesus.  Yesterday I had the long-awaited meeting with my dean, my director and, as it happened, a female associate dean, and I broke the news that I would be stepping down from my administrative position at the end of spring in order to work on my own research and writing.

The ultimate outcome is that I felt HEARD and SUPPORTED in my decision even though the powers that be clearly had an initial deer-in-headlights response to my news. 

There's no doubt in my mind that I've made the right choice for myself at this point in my career. Admittedly, the first 10 minutes of the meeting were hard going, and I was nervous, particularly when the room went utterly still: I could tell that I'd taken people by surprise. I could also tell that, as I'd suspected, they were unhappy. They didn't want me to step down, even as I assured them that I would finish out the academic year.

(If the truth be told, ultimately that part was kind of gratifying. There's one other person who's been in the same administrative position as I in a different area of School for a number of years -- a full professor -- but she's been on family leave this semester; the director said yesterday that I had set the bar high for her upon her return, that he regarded me as the heir apparent to his own position no no no no, that people on his side of the School "love" me.  All nice things to hear, even as I don't want to be the heir apparent, right now or possibly ever. Let's face it: on my side of the School I have Frightmare Colleague sending me nastygrams and telling me how awful I am.  I know enough not to take her attacks as representative of anyone else, but still ... it's good to hear praise now and then.)

I have to say It made a difference to have a woman -- the associate dean --in the room. She and I don't know each other well, but she was the first to say that yes, I need to focus on my own work if that's how i felt, and there was a clear female-support thing going on that I really appreciated, and I emailed her at the end of the day to tell her so.

So that hurdle is behind me. Knowing that I will be stepping down in June makes the next six months in this position So Much Easier for me to think about and navigate.

I feel as if a burden has been lifted from my heart.

Ivory Tower | Manic Monday

Well, it is and it isn't.  

It has the potential to be as I trot across campus on different errands early this morning, meet my classes, attend meetings, and  go to contentious Senate hearings about a controversial merger in which my program and deparment are involved -- but today I'm resolved to be zen about it all. 

Or at least to try.

I've packed a lunch. I'm going to breathe slowly, deliberately, and consciously today as I move through it. I'm going to be grateful for what I have. I'm work to let go of the bullshit.  

And right now?

I'm going to shower, dress (nicely -- that always makes me feel more in control), and then head to the unhallowed halls.

We'll see how I do.

Ivory Tower | What a week

Meetings, meetings, meetings. University senate hearings. Politics.  Budgets. This is so not what I want to be doing -- not in the context of an evolving School. Perhaps in a more established environment or unit, I would consider it, but ... not at this particular logistical moment. Too much strife, angst, and instability.

So I've made my decision: I'm turning down the extra money for the summer (it's about $12K, so a real chunk of change for me) and stepping down at the end of spring semester. I want to focus on my own research, writing, and teaching, and I can't do that in this administrative role.  

I'm a newly minted associate professor. Not full, associate. I've got six years to work my way toward full professor, and I don't want to be doing this as I do that. Later?  In a more established unit? I might consider it ... I think I might even be good at administration!  But right now? It's not right for me in this context.

Really? I'm going to turn down $12K?  Yes, I am.  

The other option is to say, look, I'll do this through summer (read: take the money and run), but I'm stepping down at the end of that period.  If you all decide to retain this structure and position, I'll help train the new person during the summer -- but that's it.

I don't know. I have a meeting on November 18 with the dean and the director, and they're not going to like this. They won't be angry, but they're going to get a little freaked out. There are too few people who want to step into this mess for them to feel otherwise.

But you know what? That's why they get paid the big bucks, and I don't. This is their issue to solve. I will have done my part.  And I know, deep in my bones, that this choice is the right path for me right now.

Ivory Tower | Salary negotiations

Just rolling my eyes at the whole topic.

Got a call from my dean yesterday afternoon at 5 p.m., telling me, no, the university vice-president was NOT open to considering elevating raises for anyone at this point (apparently I should have asked between May, when I was tenured and promoted, and August, when the very small new pay raise I did get went into effect ... but, um, how was I supposed to know this? No memo went out, it's not written down anywhere). 

The dean did seem genuinely concerned and said that what they could offer me was -- get this -- an assignment to work in my managerial position through the summer (I work a 10-month appointment, not a 12-month, though I'm paid for that over 12 months), which would put my annual salary significantly above what I had requested -- BUT only for as long as I agree to be keep that position (that's not how he put it, but that's what it amounts to). 

Sigh. 

First words out of my mouth? "I'm not sure that would work for me, D. I'm trying to figure out how soon I can step down from this position!" Which then initiated a whole discussion about it, its problems, his anxiety about losing me, etc. 

Bottom line: I told him I wasn't going to make a choice now. My feeling is, they can just dangle indefinitely, realize they need to make me happier or they'll lose me in that role, and if I'm not happier by the time summer rolls around, I'll DO the summer gig to get that piece of salary once and then step down by fall. 

Whatever. It annoys me that the VP won't consider any further requests (I have to ask K if he even showed him my letter ... I suspect not), as a raise to my base pay would serve me better, and I told K that, regardless of what I decide, I'm going over his head to the VP to send a letter reflecting my displeasure. The dean is a nice but ineffectual guy. A different dean would have made it happen, I think, but he's known to be the weakest dean in the university. And this is a man who LIKES me! What would he be like if he didn't? 

Ah well, not stewing over this, just reflecting. 

It's a quiet weekend here with lots of letters of rec and so forth to take care of, some grading, and yet I'm going to focus on my own writing for a while first to feel sane. Cool, crisp weather for this area of CA, but the day is clear. Time to hunker down in my study and enjoy its serenity. 

Ivory Tower | My new 'tude

This past week's triumph is that, amidst the managerial/adminstrative work and teaching-related duties, I managed to focus this weekend on my own research.

I wrote a grant prospectus for release time to write a book proposal based on my Ph.D. dissertation and for funding to go to Boston in March to pitch it to assorted university presses.

It only occurred to me after I finished it that Boston is only a four hours' drive from New York. And The Phantom of the Opera is still playing in New York.  And apparently it still will be in March. Never mind that I've seen it 13 times. Never mind that I think it might cost almost $200 for a first-rate ticket. I'm back in the throes of Phantom obsession. I can pay for the theatre ticket in advance and it will be a done deal by the time I get there. And at least in my  line of work, the ticket is tax deductible!

Thank god I have family and friends in New York City that I could stay with overnight if I decided to make the Boston-to-New York trek.

I'm insane. But it's obsession with various forms of popular culture that allows me to channel my stress and inspires some of my professional writing.

So it's all good.

Ivory Tower | Feeling sane today

And why that might be?  Because I am at home today -- i.e., not on campus dealing with FC1 (who, incidentally, kept trying to bait me during yesterday's faculty meeting ... and failing, I might add, though unbeknownst to her she did get under my skin).

Instead, I've been dealing with campus issues through email and grading. Whoever thought grading would be a relative pleasure?  Everyone I know hates grading, however much they may enjoy teaching, but compated to administrative/managerial work, I'll take it.

And besides, my students in this one class I'm teaching are writing on topics that are of relative interest to them and in which they have a stake, so that helps.

Ivory Tower | Promotion and raise (?)

On a front not related to hostile work environments and workplace violence, I've made an appointment with my dean to discuss a raise.  Or, I should say, an additional raise.

I work for a very financally strapped public university system whose faculty is in the midst of bargaining for a fair contract with a Chancellor who hasn't wanted to give previously agreed-upon general salary increases for all faculty for the past two years.

Nevertheless, after determining the amount of the standard raise that goes along with my promotion and tenure (it amounts to 7%, which compares poorly to, say, my sister's university, where the rank raises amount to 11%), I've decided I need to do a little negotiating with the dean. I've learned that everything is negotiable, even salaries, even in times like these, but it's only during the transition from one professorial rank to another that an individual faculty member really has the power to wheel and deal.  Otherwise, raises are governed by the system-wide contract.

I'm going to ask for a specific dollar amount that I don't expect to get, and I'm also going to think creatively about additional modes of compensation that don't tie in directly to salary and pension and would be more in the nature of one-time perks.

Release time?  Time off?  Research monies?  

I really suck at this kind of thing, but if you don't ask, you don't get.  So I'm at least going to ask.

Man, I don't know what it is about this academic year. All of my issues and trigger points are being challenged by the leadership role and FC1 issues, and I'm having to step up, face them, and work through them to the best of my ability.

I wasn't kidding when I said my life feels like a zen lesson right now.  It truly is.

Ivory Tower | Lawyering up

Never a dull moment around the hallowed halls of academe.

A friend and colleague has not only gone to the police re: FC1 but lawyered up in terms of the university's failure to address FC1-related hostile work environment issues over the past 15-20 years.

High time.

I've forwarded copies of my own letters of complaint re: FC1 to friend and colleague's lawyer, though as of today I'm not part of the legal case. I'm considering my options, however, which include going in on the case and splitting the legal costs.  

If I choose to go that route, I'd offer to resign from my position of leadership because I think probably there'd be a conflict of interest there: my administrative duties include general oversight of the program of which FC1 is a faculty member. I'd rather put in a full year in this positon (it would look better on my record), but I'm not going to be short-sighted about this. I see my administrative role as transitional and short-term only anyway, and something needs to be done about FC1 at this point.

So ... I'm really stressed out. I'd be less so if I didn't feel caught between my adminisrative obligations and my own history with FC1 and were totally free to go in on the case NOW.  My tendency is to want to make a decision immediately so as to relieve stress, but in fact, I think it's wisest to take this on a day-by-day basis, as circumstances change daily.

Meanwhile, I'm working at home today -- upstairs in our bedroom because the bathroom remodelers are downstairs next to my study, bashing away.

Ommmmmmm. My whole life is a zen exercise at this point.

Ivory Tower | The week that was

Mostly? It consisted of a lot of admin/management work and only a smidge of teaching. At least, that's how it felt as if my energies were deployed.

Fortunately, I'm teaching one class I've taught many times before, and I'm teaching another in which I'm learning as I go but enjoying the materials and forcing the students to participate and collaborate, rather than sit there like lumps and absorb lectures.

So it's doable.

But things are heating up on the FC1/hostile work environment/potential workplace violence front, and so I had to have a lot of meetings and interactions about that issue this week. Which, incidentally, is serious and, I believe, truly escalating.  

I'm 99% certain the university will do nothing (effectively) to intervene because it's had 20 years to do so and hasn't stepped up yet. The introduction of outside police will probably have an effect, but of course, as these things go, the initial impact, even of outside police, is simply to escalate and worsen a situatiion in the near term until there's an actual criminal (as opposed to unethical or abusive) incident upon which they can act.

I'm considering Monday and Wednesday -- when a particularly combustive mix of people are on campus -- to be the "near term".

FC1 is a clinical narcissist, I believe, who has an equal potential to harm herself or others. I hope neither occurs.  My father's initial plan was to kill me and himself -- but fortunately he took out only himself and let me live.

That's kind of where we're at with this situation, I believe.

Not to put too dramatic a point on this situation or anything ...

Ivory Tower | Blinkers Day

On busy days such as the one that lies ahead, I think of myself as a dray horse from days gone by, pulling an ice truck behind me as I'm being driven through the city. My driver has put blinkers around my eyes so that I don't get distracted by all the sights and sounds and stimuli of the town and I can stay on task, which is simply to move forward through my day and get that ice delivered.

In my case it's not ice, of course, but meetings, classes, appointments, and any assorted personnel crises that come up today. If I think about all there is to do, I feel overwhelmed, but if I take it one thing at a time -- which is all I can really do anyway -- then things are manageable.

I think.

I'm anticipating a few personnel issues arising today, one of which will involve FC1 and the other someone else whom I actually like and am convcerned about.  Mulling over different possibilities and ways to cope.

Wish me luck!

Ivory Tower | Fall semester

Now that the Venice trip is behind me and we're moving into the third week of fall semester, I feel as if the school year is truly under way. Venice was a buffer between me and it, but no longer.

It's still warm here in California, but the days are getting shorter, and sometimes you can feel a tang of autumn in the air, just for a moment.  It's my favorite season, both because of the cooler weather and all the holidays, and I even like the start of the academic year, once September has arrived.  (It's still pushing it to start school in August, if you ask me.)

I've done most of my teaching prep for the coming week, though there will be a little more to do on Tuesday. I get my first set of assigments to grade this week, and I have some record-keeping to do for one of my classes as well.  

I'm as prepared as I can be for this week, though I'm finding that with this administrative job, it's all about dealing with fires that spring up on a day-to-day basis that you can't really anticipate.  One in particular, involving FC1, arose last week while I was in Venice ... and really? Transatlantic calls and emails about that?  Not pleasant.  But it's part of the job.

Ivory Tower | Time (mis)management

Okay, I admit it. I have not managed my time well, and now I'm paying the price.

In letting the new duties, challenges, and intimidation factor of a new administrative position distract me from my own self-care and prioritization because I wanted to Be a Good Girl and Do a Good Job, I prioritized the wrong things. Nothing wrong in wanting to do a good job, of course -- in moderation-- but when fear of what others will think and/or perfectionism creeps in to the point of feeling driven and freaked out, then really, I'm not being true to myself or my own needs or goals. 

Translation: I don't have time to write my sabbatical proposal before I leave for Venice.  This means I will not be considered for a semester's sabbatical next year. Which I could use, both in terms of my own work and time away from the university to do research and work on my own professional career and advancement.

Procrastination played a role as well. There was some fear and ambivalence around settling down to articulate and defend the project I want to undertake during a sabbatical.I have that a lot when I apply for things, but I'm kind of used to handling that aspect of my psyche. 

So between prioritizing poorly and procrastination, I kind of screwed myself in terms of the sabbatical. I'm disappointed in myself for not handling all that better, for mismanaging my time, blah, blah, blah.  But I'm trying to talk to myself compassionately: there's a learning curve here in the new administrative postion, and I'm on it. Better I learn these lessons now and take them to heart so that, say, in a couple of months from now, I'm not repeating the same mistakes, missing other opportunities, or turning myself into a complete administrative drudge. 

(There are positive experiences from this new admin experience, even now, by the way ... I'm just not writing about them at the moment -- but I do believe we're going to have a better academic year than last, and it feels good to be part of that.)  

These realizations crystallized for me in the past 24 hours when I encountered some computer issues that sucked up a full day. My brand new MacBook Pro from work arrived, I spent five hours on Friday night configuring and tweaking it, only to have things go haywire, and the Apple Store confirmed yesterday that it came with a bad hard drive. They'll replace it at no cost but possibly/probably not before I leave for Venice on Thursday ... and of course, once it arrived, I'd had my heart set on taking the new, much lighter computer with me to Italy ... it would be significantly easier for me. 

Really, though, what made me feel hysterical over the computer issue was the time that the problems/diagnosis were taking -- because of my feelings about how I'd mishandled my time recently in the first place. 

Deep breath. 

So ... okay. I've learned some lessons and I will take them to heart. These should be my worst problems, right? The computer issue will ultimately be resolved, and I'm lucky to have a new computer, whenever it's fixed. 

I feel I've misdirected my time a little? Okay, then. focus on what's important. I can't make the sabbatical application deadline this year, but I'll have a stronger proposal for the delay for next year. Moreover, I will not turn myself into a work drudge as a compulsive response to make up for what I didn't do. That would just add to the problem. Instead, I'm going to spend a little time with DH today, hanging out, buying plants, reconnecting. I've been a stress-ball around him recently, and he deserves more. I can give him that. 

I'll do a little work today but not a lot, try to keep the anxiety level down, and plan for my departure for Venice ... on Thursday.

OhmygodI'mgoingtoVeniceonThursday!!!!!

Ivory Tower | School Days

Classes start today! I'm prepared for my morning class.

It will be shorter than usual, as I realize students are still shopping, anxious to get their schedules settled -- so I'll just do an introduction to the course, deal with enrollment issues, and let them go.

Class will be followed by a few hours of appointments and meetings, but I don't expect the day to run too late.

My main concern is what to wear today.  It's been hot. :)

And my allergies have kicked in.  Time to self-medicate with OTC remedies.

Thus beginneth fall.

Ivory Tower | Preparing for the new school year

Our first official duty date at the University is Monday, August 22 (never mind that I've been working for some weeks already!), and classes start two days later on Wednesday.

The good news is that I've got one and three-quarters of my two syllabi done. Today I should be able to wrap those up and write the assignment prompts.

Then begins the tedious process of putting some of that course content online through the university's learning management system. It's incredibly clunky and time-consuming to deal with on the back end. Even when all you're doing is copying most of that content over into a new semester, it's a frustrating enterprise. As a result, for the new course I'm planning, I'm being pretty selective about what goes online and what stays entirely in the classroom.  

Give me a better system, guys, and I'll use it more fully.

At any rate, all of that has to be good to go by Day 1 (Wednesday), and of course we have lots of meetings to juggle on Monday or Tuesday, so time will be limited. But this is all par for the course, and I'm assuming I will get it all get done somehow. I always do.

Did I mention that one of my offices has to have most of its floor replaced and asbestos abatement performed on it? Yup, it does, and that's apparently happenig Monday or Tuesday, too. Noooo problem.

Despite my kvetching, however, I'm looking forward to the new school year. It feels more empowering to be entering into it as a tenured faculty member -- yayayayayayay! -- and while I'm not at all convinced that this new administrative role I have is going to be a pleasant experience, it is a new challenge, something different for me, and I expect I'll learn a lot one way or another.

It's important to keep trying new things and not let fear get in the way of growth -- or at least, that's what I'm telling myself these days!

Ivory Tower | Long hours

I'm so sad. I appear to have failed at this month's NaBloPoMo challenge.

Despite my best efforts, I haven't been able to manage a blog post a day, though that's certainly still something to which I aspire. Writers write. Daily, in my book.  Period. That's why I'm disappointed in myself on the August NaBloPoMo front.

Though, in my defense, while I've missed a couple of days blogging here and there, I have, indeed, been writing daily ... even managed to complete a review for BlogHer's Book Club on Amor Towles' Rules of Civility yesterday.

While my school year doesn't begin until August 22, my work life kind of exploded at the start of this month as I took on a new role in the newly merged School of which I'm a part. As a result, that's taken up a fair chunk of time in the past couple of weeks. Let us also say that there's a learning curve involved and relationships to nuture and build as part of this promotion.

I'm responding to work emails at 1 a.m. these days, people.

Fortunately, NaBloPoMo turns over a new leaf each and every month. September is not far away, and despite my upcoming trip to Venice from September 2-9, I'll make every effort to blog daily throiughout September -- even if it's only little tiny snippets!

Now, tucked into all this NaBloPoMo and promotion stuff is class preparation for the new semester. I have one class ready to go, and I'm waiting on the textbooks to arrive today from Amazon (gotta love Amazon Prime) to write my syllabus and course assignments for the second course.  (I'm being given two course releases as a result of this promotion, but I'll still be teaching anywhere from 80-90 students in two writing-intensive classes.)

I have a meeting today, a 4-hour long work "retreat" tomorrow, and somehow this is still all going to get done.

And I still have to submit a writing assignmehnt (two, actually) to my online memoir-writing class.

Yeah.  I'm busy these days.

Ivory Tower | On-campus moves complete

Done.  

If you wonder where I've been for the past couple of days, look no further than work.  The shake-up of both permanent and adjunct faculty and the redeployment of them in varying combinations to different offices in our building is now complete. The physical moving of people took two days, it was absolutely exhausting, and any number of issues still have to be addressed (e.g., switching over phone numbers, putting in new phone lines in some offices, finding storage).  

But people are now moved in to their new office.

This includes me.  I now occupy the former chair's office, which I share with a new colleague, and I also have retreat space in a second office for when I need to get away from my associate directorship duties and just be a regular professor who needs to get her teaching and advising work done. I expect to spend less time in the latter, so it's only minimally decorated at the moment; I put most of my energy into my admin space in the first office. But the secondary space is important to me, especially as it's space I share with K (and one other person).  We're going to fix it up and make it look pretty!

I stopped by Home Depot this morning and bought three plants, two for the admin space and one for my retreat space.  That felt good.

At any rate, I can now go into work on Monday and actually work comfortably in both spaces. In fact, I'm going to suggest to my boss that he come check out the new layouts of the department on Monday when we meet.

He needs to see what's been going on.

Ivory Tower | Wrap party

Last night I went to the wrap party for the summer student film feature, held at one of the students' house. The students worked hard all summer, and I wanted to support them.  

Once there, I was handed a vile concoction of something with a lot of vodka and fruit juice in it. Apparently, the student who made it often adds Red Bull but didn't that night.  

WTF???  How to get drunk and maintain the illusion that you still have energy and focus?  Fortunately, I did not drink much of it because it would have been lethal, even without the Red Bull.  

But then I did agree to do a shot of whiskey with one of my colleagues who was also at the party.  I am a lightweight, and that single shot went to my head immediately.

So when a student wanted to do a shot with me and I looked at her rather helplessly, my colleague, mindful of my well-being, pretended to pour me another shot but in reality gave me the merest of sips. Thank you, N! 

Nevertheless, N and I and one of the older, returning students H agreed that I should wait to drive home. Which I did.

This morning? It's all about the coffee.  Damn, college students drink a lot.  How do they do it? Shudder.

 

Ivory Tower | Attack of the Monster To-Do List

Ohmylivinggod. My calendar is exploding with meetings, and my to-do list looks like something out of a 1950s sci-fi movie.

Today? I have several events double-booked in my calendar. I'll just have to see how the timing of each shakes down and do what I can to check in on all of them. It'll be a 9 a.m.- 6 p.m. kind of day on campus, with work at home before and after that.  

And that's just today.  And school hasn't started yet. And ... and, and.

My to-do list? I used to keep a simple hand-written list. Then I graduated to keeping it in MS Word.  And now I've switched not only to spreadsheets but to something called SmartSheet, which is a cloud-based program predicated on Excel that allows you to create, prioritize, and break down tasks.

It's saving my butt.

Now, if I could just find something that would not only record my tasks but perform them for me, I'd be golden.

Ivory Tower | Live and learn

Absolutely zonked after a long day in which it feels I did nothing but Talk with People. I think that's what my new position is all about:  meeting and talking with people, building relationships, acting as a liaison, helping to move things forward in the new school of X in the college of X at university Z.

It's exhausting.

When asked if I was excited about the new position, I replied, honestly, "No," which surprised the questioner and probably wasn't the best response on my part. Oops. But I'm not, really.  I'm too concerned about moving offices, figuring out what's expected of me, and feeling anxious to experience much excitement.

Note to self: You don't necessarily have to say everything that goes through your head.  A more qualified answer would have sufficed.

Like I said, live and learn.

Ivory Tower | It's a Dissertation, Not a Book - Advice - The Chronicle of Higher Education

via chronicle.com

 

Excellent commentary on the difficulties of academic publishing today, the differences between a book and a dissertation, and why one needs to be clear from the get-go about what's what.

This is one of the reasons I'm glad I didn't undertake revising my dissertation into a book the moment that I finished it. I've let mine sit for eight years, and with increased experience as a professor, a professional in my field, and a writer, the differences between a dissertation and a monograph are very clear to me now.  They're two different genres, and you have to stop to think about whether the market can bear another monograph on Obscure Topic X before you undertake that effort.

That said, it's still a publish-or-perish environment for academics, still difficult to navigate, and as usual, the academy is about a generation behind in understanding even its own audience and its needs. Peer-reviewed literature? Yes, that's still important. Vanity publishing won't cut it on the academic c.v. But does that mean everything has to take the form of a book-length monograph to be intellectually and artistically legitimate?  I don't think so.

Mind you, I intend to land a contract for a monograph and to see that sucker in print, because it's still the most important sign of legitimacy within the academy. That's the world I move in, and that's the world in which I intend to be successful. Never mind that I've gotten four or five peer-reviewed articles out of my dissertation.

Now, for the sake of further professional advancement, that sucker needs to be not only revised and rewritten but reconceptualized from the ground up for today's academic book market. Fortunately, I think the topic is well-timed, and I think I can compete well within that market. 

But I am here to say that academic publishing ain't for the faint-hearted, that's for sure! You'd better love what you're doing and writing about to stay in it.

And you'd better develop a thick skin along the way.

Ivory Tower | Official word from on high

Hallelujah! A memo announcing the new leadership team for the recently formed School of which my department is now a part has come out today from the Powers That Be. I advocated for such a memo in an email to my boss yesterday, and despite not having heard back from him, I see that he went with my recommendation.

Good. This way the news is clearly communicated, new members to the team (including me) are supported as part of a larger unit, the speculation and whispers in the hallways can stop (for the present), and we can move forward.

Which isn't to say that there won't be backlash. I may not hear about it directly, but I fully expect FC1 and FC2 (see left sidebar for abbreviations key) will have plenty of unpleasant things to say to others about my appointment to a leadership role. 

They -- and others -- won't be wild about forthcoming announcements, either. But the point is, there are going to be changes, not everyone will like them, and the train has already left the station. The only functional option is to climb on board.

Remind me of this when things get really unpleasant in coming weeks.

Ivory Tower | No more lazy days of summer

Heavens! I thought I'd have until August 1 before life resumed its usual hectic pace, but it seems that I was a week off. It's kicking into high gear this week instead.

First came the news that I had an article accepted. The publishing agreement arrived, and it looks as if revisions are due by August 2. Eek.

Second, a series of meetings with the Higher Ups at work is finally taking place, as I'd wanted. Good news, as we need to move forward with a whole host of changes in the department, but now suddenly there's a lot of work on my plate. And I think I have to move offices next week, which will take a couple of days and add to the work load.

Have I mentioned that I'm going to L.A. at the end of next week? That contracts the work week and means I need to Get Shit Done from Monday through Wednesday.

Finally (for now, at least) is that I'm contributing a little more in tiny ways to the BlogHer community, which I find exciting, and I'm among the reviewers who will be reading and writing about Amor Towles' Rules of Civility in the next couple of weeks.

Ivory Tower | Academic publishing, or slow boat to China

The thing I hate most about academic publishing is the turn-around time between submitting a proposal or article for consideration and getting back a verdict from the powers that be. Everyone complains about this, I know -- so now you can just add my voice to the chorus. Of course, I've been singing in that chorus for some time now.

The good news is, an article based on the presentation I gave in Venice last November and submitted in December (do the math -- that's almost eight months) has finally been peer-reviewed, and I received the following notification by email last night: 

I am pleased to be able to inform you that your paper XXX has been Accepted With Revisions for publication in YYY.

Going by the signature line of the email, I'm thinking my piece fell through the cracks in the review process during a change of leadership in the editorial board. In theory the review process for this journal is pretty transparent, as submissions occur online and there are status updates posted at each stage. I noticed that my piece seemed to be stuck in Peer Review Hell, and despite sending multiple emails I was never able to get a direct response about its status.

Until, bam, last night came the acceptance. They want revisions and assume I'll make them, but there's no further vetting to be done.  They've accepted it.

I read the peer review reports, and they're less than informative. Really, people? This is as specific as you can get about your recommendations for changes? I've worked as a professional editor for academic journals, individual writers, and corporations, and as an editor you get down in the trenches with your writers. Even as a peer reviewer, however, you should at least go into the text and make specific suggestions at various points.

Well, my reviewers didn't. 

Fortunately, I feel capable of addressing what minimal feedback there is and making the most of it. That's now become this week's task, mixed in with assorted meetings on campus. I figure I should have revisions done before my trip to Los Angeles on August 4 because when I get back, it's going to be All Class Prep All the Time. I'm shooting for a completion date of July 31.

Another line on the c.v. The journal has an international readership, it's reasonably prestigious, it's electronic, and it's publishing the fruits of my labors in Venice last fall.  

A good outcome, even if it's taken a while!

Support DonorsChoose.org

I've contributed to DonorsChoose in the past, and I've chosen to become one of its affiliate partners through this blog. As you'll see if you scroll down a little and click on the linked image in my right sidebar, the organization is "an online charity that connects you to classrooms in need."

I'm a product of the California public school system from kindergarten through my Ph.D., back when California was a shining example of what pubic education could accomplish. I now work as a university professor, still within the California public sector. 

But times are tough now for education, be it in public or private schools, nationally as well as regionally. Won't you click on the DonorsChoose link, check out the site, and consider donating to a school or project that catches your eye?  

Every little bit helps. It really does.

Ivory Tower | Hurry up and wait!

 

As we head into the latter part of July, I glanced ahead to the next month and realized with a shock that August brings with it the start of a new school year.  Ack. I'm not over last year!

There are a lot of changes afoot in my particular college as well as my department within that college. One of those changes is that, after a few discussions with the powers that be and a really supportive colleague and mentor, I'm assuming a greater leadership role: I'll have a fancy title, a lot more work, no extra money, but release time from courses in which to do the new work. 

Thing is, the head of the department to whom I report (and who oversees a now-huge entity, whatever it's going to be called going forward) hasn't officially communicated this or other leadership changes to the department -- and he needs to.  Because now the news is leaking out, and when news leaks, it fosters gossip, not clear messages. Gossip's going to happen anyway, of course, but it's best to be proactive and announce news rather than reactive and seek to clarify what never was officially communicated in the first place.

Ahem. This is a point I'll be making later on this week when the director and I are supposedly meeting.

Frankly, I'm not sure about this leadership business. I think it will be a useful learning experience for me. Because it presented itself, it's the logical next step for me to take. I think it's the right choice to take it. But I'm not at all sure I'm going to enjoy it!

Ivory Tower | At-risk students and suicide

I teach at a very diverse urban campus of a large public university system with many branches, and sometimes my job as a professor means that I encounter students with serious life problems. This week is far from the first time that I've dealt with  a depressed, suicidal student but it's been a while, and I'm struck by how few resources the university has to assist such people.  

Call student psychological services and what are you told?  Make the student aware of its existence, offer to walk them over, and ... you've done what you can do.  This is very similar to the advice that faculty and staff are given when they call to report a student they fear may be a threat to others (which I've also done). 

I'm sure the advice is well-intended, but it's ineffectual.  Individuals within the system care, but the system itself cares about covering its ass. Did you call? Did you offer to walk the student over?  Your duty is done. 

Well, your duty may be done, but it may not have helped the student very much. As someone who was once a suicidal student at UCLA, I faced a  similar kind of bureaucracy, and I required help to navigate through it. Fortunately for me, I did connect with an excellent short-term therapist there who referred me to the man who ended up being my therapist for eight years.

But that was me, and I was lucky.

Suicidal students don't always call you up and say they've got a gun to their heads. I certainly didn't, and I was most definitely profoundly touch-and-go suicidal. However, they often do have lives that have become completely financially, medically, and personally out of control and very few resources -- of any kind -- to cope. Their circumstances are genuinely horrifying sometimes -- no wonder they're suicidal -- and they become trapped in spirals of shame and despair. They can be difficult to connect with.  They can have unattractive personalities into the bargain. They talk or write to you about suicide -- and that's when the red flags go up.

Now, I still believe that the most effective form of intervention for someone who's not literally standing on a ledge about to jump off is to make oneself emotionally available to them.  Without fear, with compassion, with understanding. I often think that the reason I seen to attract such students is because I myself had such a comprehensive experience of depression, despair, and suicidality, and at a time when I was single, had no income, and was alienated from my family. I was also suicidal as a teen, and my own father committed suicide when I was 10.  I am not frightened of suicide, or thoughts of suicide, and I believe in a person's right to make his or her own decisions about ending life. But I also know that depression warps one's perspective and gets in the way of making informed choices, and I know, too, that suicide impacts not just the person that commits it but the people around him or her.

I don't hesitate to tell such students about my own experience, albeit in exceptionally abbreviated form, and to tell them that I am living proof that life can and does get better. In the meantime, though, life can be terrifying, extraordinarily painful, sheer torture.  That's where my current student is at.  Now, she apparently has a 6-year old daughter with autism (I half-suspect that she herself may be somewhere on the spectrum of autism as well), and I know she's religious enough to count suicide as a "sin."  Rather bloodlessly, I'm hoping those two things keep her breathing through the weekend until we can meet next week and I can do the walk with her to counseling services.

Where I intend her to see a full-fledged Ph.D. therapist, not a student intern. Good luck with that during the summer when everyone flees. But that will be a battle I fight on the phone first thing on Monday morning.

It's fun being a university professor.  Sigh.

Ivory Tower | High-ho, high-ho

Tuesdays are generally my on-campus days this summer. This week it's Friday as well.

I realized yesterday that I need to head in again this morning to 1) pick up a letter for part of my accreditation application for the Venice film festival, and 2) post some flyers advertising one of my fall classes.

Yes, fall. I know.  But I do.

It's a beautiful day here, I'll tuck my pedometer in my jeans pocket, and I'll use the work errands as incentive to trot around campus and get in some walking. Then I have an early afternoon appointment with a friend and after that some shopping to do. Again, pretexts for more walking.

All in all, not a bad Friday before a holiday weekend.

Ivory Tower | Regrounding myself

Ever have a day or series of days when you just get thrown off your stride and things don't seem to go right? Me, too.  So today's my day for regrouping, refocusing, and regrounding myself in things that matter to me.

The prospect of change at work and fear of resulting change in work relationships unnerved me yesterday. My friend and colleague K had assessed a particular prospect correctly and we'd discussed it several times -- but only during a meeting yesterday with the higher ups did that prospect take on any reality for me and did I grasp that K had called the situation correctly.

I hadn't -- because I was not directly involved in earlier conversations and because I'd underestimated both the higher ups' need for folks to step up into positions and the way in which I might be regarded as a viable option for them, pending a decision by K and what she does and does not want to do. Yes, I tend to underestimate myself.  But this meant that I was psychologically unprepared for how prospects unfolded in the meeting, and for what now looks like the considerable change for me in my role in the department (given merger mania, I use that word loosely) next year. 

Now, my initial reaction to change of any kind when it's first proposed or presents itself as a real prospect is usually trepidation. Very early in my life, change usually meant loss and chaos. I long for stability. And when the change in question involves shifting relationships and a learning curve for me? I get nervous.  

I was the only child in third grade who went home and cried when our teacher told us we were going to learn how to play kickball in P.E. the next day. All the other kids were excited. I was terrified because I didn't already know how to play it.

However, after a phone call with K last night, I feel better. Realistically speaking -- old childhood insecurities set aside -- I know I am capable of stepping into an as-yet-to-be-defined role, shape it, and do something worthwhile with it. It will be good for me to have that experience on my record. I expect to make mistakes, to need support, to disagree respectfully with others from time to time, and to do things my own way. I get all this. I really do.  So in some ways, it's not the actual position or my ability to do it that was causing my angst.

What was really tripping me out? The idea that K and I won't share an office anymore.  We've been roomies for all my nine years at the university, and while she's shared with other people before me, I have not. As we contemplated impending changes and what they would mean for office assignments, I began to feel more and more bereft:  "K and M are going to be roomies again, she and I won't see each other as often during our days, and ... and ... WAAAAAH!"  Again, I realize this speaks to my deeper fears about shifting relationships as a result of stepping into a certain position -- but there was absolutely this old, childhood or high school kind of reaction as well. I'm going to lose my BFF.

It's funny: K and I are at such different points in our careers: she's been at the university for 25 years, she's a full professor, she knows everything there is to know about our department and history -- and yet she's two years younger than I.  Sometimes our frames of reference are different. In a conversation sometimes she'll be focusing very practically on what a career benefit will be for her and for me under circumstance X (she didn't get where she is today by not thinking about those things), while I'm on a totally different wave-length in that moment, being an 8-year old, saying, "Yes, but can we still have slumber parties?"  

Long answer short?  Yes, I think we can. We agreed that in the new configuation of office spaces, we'd create room for me in her new office so that I can be there after this job assignment ends, that I might hold teaching office hours there and do the administrative work from the other office, and so on.  And in the meantime, M and K can share, as they did long before I ever arrived on the scene.

Mostly I just felt reassured that it mattered to K, too.

Ivory Tower | Sisyphus

You know, you work hard to get tenure, be promoted, those things happen, and ... they want to give you more work. 

I mean, on the one hand, duh, and on the other, really?  There's no time to enjoy what one's accomplished before beginning the next chapter, whatever that chapter may be?

Seriously?

Weighing pros and cons of options, to the extent that I have them. Trying to assess the ramifications of different choices, near- and long-term. But really? What do I know?

I'm reminding myself that If I put in a year of work in one position or another, I can also choose to step away from that position later. Saying yes to one or the other doesn't lock me in for life.

But I feel as if the system is steering me in one direction, and I'm not at all sure I want to go there. 

Choice and free will sometimes feel overrated.

Ivory Tower | Toxic workplace

I spent about four and a half hours on campus today  -- summer class and advising -- and came home exhausted. Um, that's not that long a time.  What's up?

The toxicity of the past year, that's what. Despite a lovely, relaxed atmosphere and the relatively low number of people on campus during the summer, the past academic year of merger mania and tenure review was so stressful that I automatically tense up whem I go there now.

Happily, I didn't mind meeting with my class today.  That's more of an organizational/activities-based gig, and the students are generally highly motivated. I didn't mind meeting with them at all.

The group advising session was less rewarding for any number of reasons, and I'm not being paid for that. As a result, that's the last of those sessions that I will do this summer. I've done three now, there's no reason I should do them more than anyone else in my program, and I've now done my share.  Others can step in or not.  (Mostly it should be "or not" until the chair is willing to assign that job and and pay someone to do it.  If he ante'd up, I'd consider it for the duration of the summer because I could use the extra money for Venice.)

But really?  I need to stay away from campus as much as possible this summer.  I looked at my calendar for next week, and happily I need to be there only on Tuesday for office hours.  That's it.  I'll be holding them and then skedaddling out of there.

Ivory Tower | Summer @ the university

Summer school starts tomorrow in my neck of the woods, and that means I have a few things to do today. 

While I'd rather work exclusively on my CNWIP, I need to write summary comments for my graduate papers from last semester today. I put comments in the margins as I was grading and made notes for those summary comments as I went along, but my practice with grad papers is also to type up summary remarks after I've turned in grades and attach them to the paper.  I promised my students the return of their papers in early June (via email), and so I'd best get that done before summer school starts. Wrapping up loose ends, dontcha know.

Then I need to check to see that I've put all the content online for the internship course I'm coordinating. It goes live tonight at midnight. My colleague K is the internship queen and created all the materials herself, so I'm just adapting them for summer use and making sure they appear in the right places online.  I'm not partial to the learning managemet system that the university has chosen -- but it's what's for dinner, so to speak, so I'm using it.

Depending on how I feel once those tasks are done, I may turn to the CNWIP. But that's a topic for a different post.

Ivory Tower | It's official

Apparently the department chair and admin were running around late Friday afternoon, after graduation, trying to track down my phone number (er, they didn't have it?):they wanted to alert me that my tenure letter had, indeed, arrived.

They successfully located me today but not before I'd gone on campus to find the letter for myself.

However, all's well that end's well, and it's now official: I've been tenured and promoted to associate professor. Thankyoubabyjesus.

I'm not quite sure how they managed it since they're in the U.K. at the moment, but my brother and his wife sent me a congratulatory bouquet of flowers that arrived only an hour after I returned from campus (pictured above).

Beautiful.  

P.S. Fortunately the news of tenure broke after I'd managed to get some work done and at least a couple of symbolic pages written on the CNWIP.  I'm headed upstairs to take a nap right now (the relief of stress has left me zonked), but I hope to write a little more on the CNWIP later tonight, when I'm awake and up as the result of, well, napping now. However, the first page of Chapter 1 is no longer blank. Onward!

Ivory Tower | Tenure roses

Not that it's official yet -- but my niece sent these lovely flowers to me on Friday, the date on which the letter announcing tenure and promotion was to have been generated (and on which some folks at the university actually did find out their good news -- but not I).

I have to go into campus tomorrow to file some paperwork, and if that letter's not in my box when I do, I'm going to have kittens.

In the meantime, I have my niece's lovely flowers to enjoy.

Ivory Tower | Graduation Day

The giant outside stadium graduation is tomorrow, but our department's graduation is today, and that's the one I care about and attend each year.  It's an afternoon event, tends to run long, and so I'm sure it will be a full day.  

In the absence of a senior colleague this year who usually does this, my job today is to corral the graduates, organize them into formation, and call their names as they come up on stage.  The first two tasks are a bit like herding cats. As for the third, it's always a challenge at a school like ours where the names are wildly diverse and you don't want to blow the pronunciation of Mom, Dad, or Grandma's pride and joy -- but inevitably do.  

Also falling to me is the handing out of a brand new award in critical writing, for which my colleague K and I are responsible. Our department has awards for virtually all other kind of creative endeavor but not that. Until now, because she and I made it happen this year.  High time.  Good for us.

The custom in our department is for faculty and students to dress "business casual" and to save the wearing of academic robes for the full university graduation the next day.  Academic regalia is "optional."  Well, today I'm opting in, though I'll probably be the only faculty member who does so. If I have to read the names, then I figure the aforementioned Mom, Dad, and Grandma will like it if their kid's name is announced by someone who looks like a professor.  

Also, I notice more and more kids tend to wear their robes to the department graduation now.  They have to buy them (in my day you could rent), so no doubt they figure  they want to get fair use out of them.  Can't exactly wear robes to pick up a gallon of milk or mow the lawn.

All in all, it's a good thing it's been a cool spring so far. No one will roast today in all that black!

ivory Tower | Winding down

It happens at the end of every semester.

I wait and wait for the end, and when it finally comes, it's like going from 60 to zero miles an hour and stopping on a dime.  Translation: it's hard for me to move from from being a whirling dervish to being someone with leisure time. Guilt-free leisure time, no less.

Even though I actually am transitioning more smoothly this semester (I staggered end-of-term due dates, moved them earlier on the calendar, and have generally kept to a daily grading quota so that it didn't overwhelm me), the transition itself still feels odd.

How do I mark the end of the year? How might I treat myself (inexpensively)?  

A massage?  Maybe. A couple of nights at a nearby Franciscan retreat? I've always wanted to check it out ... but would they have internet?  lol A very brief road trip that includes a night or two in a motel? I love such getaways, and 20 years ago when I was a grad student in Los Angeles, I used to leave the city, go into the Mojave desert, and stay at an anonymous motel fairly often.

More to the point, though, is how do I move out of OCD mode and into a frame of mind where I will actually let myself enjoy a treat, of whatever variety? 

After five years of pursuing tenure, much of that quest taking place against a backdrop of a lot of insitutional angst and disarray, relaxation is not a mode with which I'm very familiar any longer. And that's actually something of a problem.  It's been a coping strategy that's served me reasonably well as I went after tenure, but what will serve me better after getting tenure is being able to establish clear-cut boundaries between work and down time.

I'm going to try to trick myself, in a way, by returning to my gym next week and to the yoga studio I took a class at a couple of years back.  Why?  Aside from it being a good idea just on general principle, if I reincorporate some exercise and body work, I know they'll eventually lead to greater mindfulness and an increased sense of peace and stillness. 

And, as with everything, it will take some determination and practice on my part. Changing my patterns isn't going to happen overnight. Never has, never will.  As usual, I want instant results, instant relief. But making small changes should help, even if only incrementally, until practice transforms into routine.

That's the idea, anyway.

Ivory Tower | Light at the end of the tunnel

I still have a lot of grading left to do between now and the end of the day on Wednesday (my self-imposed deadline), but having finished one large class's worth of term papers, I feel better. There's light at the end of the tunnel.

Now it's on to the graduate papers.  I'll comment on them and grade them, but I've already told students they won't be available to them until the beginning of June.  Generally, I go into the Word file, comment, and then write up a page of summary remarks.  Only once those summaries are done do I return the papers.  And those just aren't going to happen until after I've turned in semester grades.

I've poured myself a second cup of coffee and I'm ready for the first paper.  Here we go ...

ivory Tower | The perfect storm

When I look back on this semester in the future, I will think of it as one that was marked by wildly fluctuating sleep patterns -- the urge for naps during the day and an inability to sleep at night. There are all manner of factors at work here, but one of them, at least, is low-grade situational depression.

My work environment is unspeakably dysfunctional.

I think it's a case of The Perfect Storm:  California's abysmal financial situation meets one of its state university systems, and they coalesce in a college and department that have been crippled in the past several years by poor leadership -- or no leadership at all.

Honestly, when I speak with family or close friends who are also academics, they cannot believe the kind of situations I describe.  I can't believe them. I don't even write about them here, despite the occasional tale of Frightmare Colleagues 1 and 2: those folks are just symptoms of much larger, institutionalized dysfunction. If these entities were private companies? There'd be firings for gross incompetence and law suits.  (Well, maybe not:  if they were private entities, they'd have gone belly-up by now.)

Of course, that's a distinct possibilty, which is partly why those at high levels are in major panic mode, both locally and within the system as a whole. I get that. But the lack of managerial competence still boggles my mind. It's toxic to a surreal degree.

I'm not sure how I want to frame my own limited choices and response to all the goings-on. One way or another, I think I'm going to get sucked into more administrative work, and I have two problems with that: 1) I don't enjoy it (I'd rather teach); 2) such work robs people of the freedom to focus on their own professional projects and writing. I want to become more marketable, not less.  Sure, some administrative work will do that ... but writing and publishing will do that much more effectively, and even simply by inclination, that's where I'd like to devote my non-teaching time.

Am I going to look for a job elsewhere? Let's put it this way:  there are precious few jobs in my line of work and my particular field out there these days -- but yes, I'm going to keep my options open, as they say.

For one thing, I think it's healthy to stay open to possibilities, just on general principle, and for another, the Perfect Storm will probably get worse before it gets better.  Departments, colleges, and even entire campuses can be merged, shut down ... I see a lot more of such things coming down the pike in the next five years or so within public universities.

It pays to stay flexible, even if only in theory. 

Ivory Tower | A nice note

Yesterday was the traditional day for graduate defenses of proposals, theses, and exam questions.  This morning I received a very kind email from a student who was there, simply observing the goings-on in preparation for when her time at the table comes:

Dear Dr. Silversmith,

(It still feels a little weird to call you HD. You’re such a Doctor to me.)

Man, did I learn from you yesterday. I am so glad that I attended the exams.

Your knowledge and kind support for the candidates was a great thing to see.  

You’re a really smart person!

Thanks for all you do for the department. It’s as though you had six arms.

Respectfully,

B.

This woman is an older returning student, runs a very successful consulting business, and she's good at what she does. I like her a lot. Her email was a vivid reminder of how carefully students watch their faculty: I certainly watched my professors in grad school to see what I did and did not want to emulate in the future, but I usually forget that my own students must watch me just as carefully.

Honestly, though? Aside from praising students' completed work and trying to give them credit for what they did well, I'm not sure what I did to elicit such comments. 

But it's the end of the school year, the season for thank-you notes, and I'll take it. Especially as I face a mound of grading today, and can use all the bolestering I can get!  

Thanks, B.

Ivory Tower | T minus 1 and counting

One. More. Teaching. Day.  And then the semester really starts getting put to bed.

Every faculty member I know is counting the days left in the classroom because, even though we know there's an avalanche of grading to follow, at least we can do that in the comfort of our own offices or homes, and we won't have to Be On any longer.

Let's face it, by the end of the academic year, everyone -- faculty, staff, and students -- are pretty tired. Even in the best of times,  And at public universities in California? Well, these are most definitely not the best of times.

And when you take it down assorted notches to my university, my college, and my department? Some pretty chaotic stuff is going on.

And yet, what really can I do about all that? Not a lot, it turns out, except to stay centered in myself, remain grounded, do the best that I can for my students under the circumstances, accept imperfection even as I strive for improvement, and ... let the chips fall where they may.

So today I'm having a quiet day at home, grading mostly, with breaks in between during which I'm a) blogging; b) revising my finall lecture for tomorrow; and c) revising a final exam that goes live online tomorrow night.

Tomorrow? My last day of classes, as I said.  The next day will be graduate defenses that will take up the majority of the day.  But then, with the exception of an occasional meeting which I fully expect will be called, it'll be just me and my grading.

I vow I will not complain.  The end is in sight.  And I'm planning a few fun things to do this summer, even if they're low-key and unexotic. More on that in a later post, perhaps.

Ivory Tower | Snakes, spiders, and toads

There's an old fairy tale about two sisters, one of whom is beautiful and sweet, and when she speaks, jewels fall from her mouth because of her goodness. The other sister is mean and awful and nasty, and when she speaks, snakes, spiders, and toads fall from her mouth.

Frightmare Colleague 1 (FC1) reminds me of the second sister.

Because some of her more egregious behavior seems to be landing her in hot water at the moment with administration, she's been sweet as pie to me in recent weeks, sort of reflexively turning on the sociopathic charm as long as she's unopposed to demonstrate that, see, she can get along with others.

But because I've now said no to FC1 (the details are both unimportant and boring), that sister who spits snakes, spiders, and toads is making her appearance. Figuratively speaking, of course.

The next time I'll have to deal with FC1 one on one is in a couple of weeks at another joint advising session. I wish one of my male colleagues would take my place at that event -- but I'm the one who's been given a course release this semester to deal with advising overflow, and it wouldn't be fair to ask them to do it.

However, it might be fair to ask the dean's office to make sure FC1 and I are put in separate advising rooms so that she doesn't try any mischief with the students. She tends to waylay them, misinform them about different majors, and urge them to take her classes -- at the exclusion of required courses for the major and other classes that might be equally interesting to them.  In other words, she trawls for her own benefit, not the students'. 

What can I say? The dysfunction continues.

Ivory Tower | The merry month of May

Okay, so far it hasn't been that merry, but what I like about it is that it officially heralds the end of spring semester and another difficult academic year.

I can look at the calendar, see that there's a hell of a lot I have to do between now and the end of the semester -- but that end is nevertheless clearly marked and visible to me.  Never mind that the next couple of weeks will be full of meetings and events and then grading.  The end is still in sight.

Today? Meetings with students. Meeting with my colleagues and the chair. The teaching of an abbreviated graduate seminar because, well, meetings have actually begun to cut into class time.

But then what I expect to be a relaxing evening at home with my husband and friend and colleague K.

Crap.  I'd better vacuum this morning before heading to campus.

Ivory Tower | Academic dysfunction

Those of you who keep up with this blog are aware of the existence of a person I call Frightmare Colleague 1 (FC1).  She is a pathological, tantruming senior colleague who threatens, insults, and otherwise creates a hostile work and learning environment for her colleagues and students.  And yes, I call her FC1 because there is another one.  And yup, that one's called FC2.

Well, FC1 has been acting up, big-time, this semester, and some of that shit seems about to hit the fan.

As near as I can determine, relatively little disciplinary action has been taken toward FC1 over the years because ours is a litiginous system, and the administration is no doubt correct in believing that FC1 would grieve any action taken against her.  Hence, they would prefer to dismiss pathology as a matter of personality conflicts between and among faculty members and thereby sidestep their responsibility of managing the FC1 situation effectively.  "Oh, X and Y simply don't get along."'

But, as I said to the dean and to the chair today, what makes you think that students, parents, or even I will not grieve and take action against the university for the hostile environment that management not only has not controlled but to which it has contributed in its refusal to address these issues effectively?

At this particular moment, I am not the focus of the unfolding dramas, but I am the department union rep for our faculty, and it was mostly in that capacity that I was speaking to the dean and the chair today.  I've gotten an earful this semester, and in the past day I've been grabbed in the hallway three different times by faculty who wanted to get some advice about how to handle assorted situations with FC1.

I mean, really. Think about it, guys. Sooner or later someone is going to grieve some actionable behavior, so why don't you man up and do the right thing? 

The situation is complicated, involves any number of people, and is unfolding against a backdrop of larger politics to do with university budgets, college politics, and departmental reorganization. It's far from simple, and I have zero belief that the problem that is FC1 will go away.  

I do, however, hope for containment.  Think Chernobyl with a shell built around the toxic reactor.

We'll see what happens in the coming days and weeks. It's been really fun so far. Um, not.

Looking ahead to summer

Among last week's iron infusion, teaching week, staying up for the much-vaunted royal wedding, and Honors Convocation, I was tired last night. For the first time in a while, I managed not to get out of bed in the middle of the night (though I was awake) and was able to rise at 6 a.m. today.

A good thing, as I have some work to do this morning and afternoon before meeting a friend for dinner and then watching a performance piece by one of my department's graduate students.

I'm looking at the calendar and counting down the days until the end of classes.  Which, as we all know, is far from the end of work because it's followed by an intense two-week period of grading, and there are also meetings mixed in there.  Nevertheless, classes ending signals a shift and a slowing down.  

And for once, I intend to take some time to enjoy myself this summer. I need to get some professional writing done, but even so, I plan to do so in a more relaxed manner, without the freakout of will-I-or-won't-I-get-tenure hanging over my head.

Bike rides. Cooking. A little gardening. A yoga class. Romance writing. Maybe a road trip.

You get the general idea.